The Problem With Hope (Public Site)

Open Adoption Roundtable #24: Open Adoption in the Media

2011-03-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

The OAR is a series of writing prompts on open adoption, hosted by Heather at Production, Not Reproduction.

This time the prompt focuses on how open adoption is seen by the media:

How have you seen open adoption portrayed on television? What did you think? What, if anything, would you like to see?

Most of what I've seen of open adoption on TV has been either shows on TLC or Teen Mom/16 and Pregnant on MTV.

As far as TLC is concerned, the whole process seems awfully airbrushed to me....happy! happy! happy! Even if they show some sadness, it's mostly "...But it's so great! They get a baby! Birthfamily gets letters!" I often am left wondering if that's really how their "really open" adoption is being carried out or what TLC is editing it to seem.

There was a lot I liked/like about "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom." I watch it regularly-in fact, it's on my DVR. I enjoyed the realness of the way the emotions of Catelynn and Tyler were portrayed (which is an overall thing I like about the show....it seems to be a lot less edited in emotion than some of the other documentaries I've seen on pregnancy and adoption both. In fact, recently I've been refreshed to see the struggles of Leah and Corey as they find one of their twins has some medical issues--something I think is glossed over in general: the fact that twin pregnancies are not all "cute matching booties."). There were several things that I found odd with Catelynn and Tyler's situation, though....the fact that they didn't even know Carly's last name was odd to me, the lack of real contact when there seemed to be no real reason not to have more contact, etc. However, I tried to remind myself that of course we didn't know the whole story, that their parents had some (seemingly) major issues that perhaps we didn't know information about, and that every open adoption is different. I raised my eyebrows at some of the things shown, but again...every agency/situation/adoptive couple/birthfamily is different, editing, etc. The feedback overall that I saw (not a lot, I admit, just on a few blogs and message boards) was positive if not a little naive about open adoption and the whole thing.

A while back there were some other shows, maybe of the "True Life" series on MTV, I think, that showed some open adoptions that I enjoyed. They were greatly varied...some were birthfamilies and they struggled with placement before and after, some were adoptees who were trying to find their birthparents, etc. I also thought they were more "real" than others I've seen. As real as reality TV can be, at least.

I think I'd like to just see MORE of open adoption, along with it portrayed in a real way. We see enough of the "baby goes home with adoptive family, they all claim happiness" but not as much of the WHOLE thing. I'd like to see more of the reality of adoption preparation/placement/early stages of open adoption, but I can see the pitfalls (added pressure on all sides, esp on birthfamily to place, which no one should want!....exploitation of all parties.). I'd also like to see a bigger variety of OPEN open adoptions. It seems that the media believes a REALLY open adoption to be like that in Carly's situation...which to me doesn't seem like a very open adoption at all! I'd like to see couples talking about how great it is to integrate their child's family into THEIR family...but I'd also be ok with seeing people talk about how their child's adoptive family or birthfamily isn't there as much as they want...and their thoughts on that. I'd even like to see real-ness in relation to the fact that there are GOING to be struggles within any relationship, including open adoption relationships...however, that one seems like perhaps not a great idea for TV unless all parties were extremely open and involved in the project, and maybe even so better to be a "in retrospect" type of thing. Complicating matters in those type of situations just seems like dicking too much with everyone's life in a dangerous changes-the-outcome-possibly type of way.

Open adoption is so BROAD a spectrum, and it seems as if the media doesn't care to take the time to cover that reality. Or perhaps people are unwilling to let the media so close to a topic so important and often tenuous.

I'm sure, though, that there are a lot of "reality" shows that focus on different subjects, in which those affected by that particular thing would say the same. After all, it is only TV, and it does HAVE to be edited to fit nicely into a time block....and to maintain ratings, often through relatability and what the public wants to see.

Open Adoption Round Table #21 The Holidays!!

2010-12-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

The Open Adoption Round Table is a series of prompts to get us writing about open adoption and the way it plays out in our lives. Heather at Production, Not Reproduction hosts it and you can find more about the whole thing, including the entries, here.

This Round Table's prompt is....

How do open adoption and holiday traditions intersect in your life?

The Thanksgiving/Christmas season is BY FAR one of my favorite times of the year, if not my VERY favorite. We are religious people and on those levels everything about Christmas is wonderful. Also, we are close to our families, so it's an enjoyable time of year for those reasons. Plus...who doesn't like eating and gifts? You'd have to be crazy! :)

For Thanksgiving, it's become our tradition not only to get together with our families, but to also host a Thanksgiving meal here for some of Ava's other mom, R's family. I was pretty young when we had the kids (sure, I was in my early 20's, but I was young enough and newly married enough that I wasn't accustomed to, say, cooking a huge meal, turkey included) and with the help of my mom, grandma, and daughter's family, I can now say I can cook a whole Thanksgiving meal AND carve the turkey (something that until this very year, R had always done because I was "afraid" to mess it up! But this year they were running late! lol). We've laughed a lot about how I've learned so much through this tradition and it makes me smile to think that without them in my life, I'd likely still not be cooking a turkey and making a huge meal each year. It makes me happy to prepare it for them and have them enjoy it and I hope in the future it will make our child happy to help in the preparation.

And apart from that, it's ALWAYS fun at the Thanksgiving get-together because we eat eat eat and then...we go and have our family portraits taken!! I'm a bit of a picture freak, so I LOVE adding this to our tradition. I also enjoy being able to get pictures of our daughter and her bio family to put in our home alongside our family pictures. Usually I give the session and whatever pics they want to order to them for Christmas and it always makes me smile to see the Christmas card that R sends out--my daughter's "other" family, her included, because while she is obviously also on OUR Christmas card, there's something right about the way she BELONGS on both cards...in both sets of portraits. And how in one set, the families overlap. Because my bio family is somewhat small and my paternal grandparents have been gone a long while now, it has been a blessing to add in number to MY FAMILY, too.

For Christmas we do something similar, though normally we swap hosting duties! This year R is inviting ALL Of her sisters and their families, along with her dad (her mother is deceased) to her house for a big family Christmas! I am EXTREMELY excited about this because I've only ever met the whole bunch once at a birthday party for R and her dad. I like any opportunity for my daughter to get together with her other cousins and see her aunts and uncles because it doesn't happen often. Hopefully this becomes a yearly thing!

When we have our Christmas get-together, we do a small gift exchange, mostly for the kids, and we also celebrate our sons' birthdays since both they both have December birthdays. I really appreciate that R includes our son so much, in the gift exchanges and on the cake, etc. It cements to me that she feels the same way about us as we feel about her.

And now that I wrote it all out, I'm REALLY looking forward to it all! :D

Open Adoption Round Table #20: Siblings

2010-10-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

I've been slacking lately on the Open Adoption Roundtables but this is the perfect prompt to get back into the game because I'm passionate about it, AND it's simple (well, it's "simple"): Write about siblings and open adoption.

First, let's start with the children living under my roof. One adopted daughter, one (IVF) bio son, 6.5 months apart. For us, so far, there have been no issues with bio v. adopted (us or the kids). The kids don't know any real difference yet, and we're doing our darndest to make it their normal and have them own their own unique stories (emphasizing the way our son was conceived in order to give them both "special" stories) that I hope it will mostly remain a non-issue. I can tell you we won't be tolerating crap from anyone about anyone else! :) It's warmed my heart to see how much our BIO child loves our adopted child's bio fami

ly....recently he questioned if they were his family, TOO, and I was happy to be able to tell him that yeah, they are, even though Ava's other mama isn't your mama too, they're ALL of our family, because they're Ava's family. It makes me so proud to see the love they both have for her bio family, and I love seeing our son just as happy to see them as our daughter is (maybe more, since he can play with her brother and have boy time!).

We did make the decision to not adopt again (at this time at least) ironically due to the fact that our adoption is so great. There was fear that another adopted child may not have the wonderful contact that we are blessed with....and that was a hard thing for us to invite into our family dynamic. Also, we have so much contact with our daughter's family that the thought of another family as great as them as far as contact is concerned may be just too MUCH for us to take on. If we were to do it, we wanted to be able to hope for another great situation, and we felt like we were hoping for something that would cost time for EVERYONE in the end. Maybe one day, but for now we opted for conception again also to try to give our bio son the bio con

nection we are blessed to see our daughter enjoy with her (maternal) brother, and are pregnant via IVF once more. In some ways, it's just "cool" to be able to see yourself (physically and emotionally) in another human being, and we know this because of our daughter and HER bio family....and for that aspect along with others (possible medical consequences of not having bio sibling, the added bio family, etc) we did decide on pregnancy again, so our son can also have a bio connection. My hope is that our children can ALL enjoy both the adopted sibling connection and the bio sibling connection, because both are unique and fabulous! It's ridiculous to me to hear people say they "forget" a child is adopted. Who wants to forget? My child is adopted, and I love that about her, and I hope she loves that about herself. Just like I hope that my son loves the uniqueness of being an IVF baby.

I love, love, LOVE the contact we have with our daughter's maternal family and her other mother's son. Seeing the two of them together has got to be one of THE most rewarding aspects of parenting. Honestly, I enjoy it SO much. I love seeing the similarities between them (and her other bio family members) and how close their voices sound. I like to watch them play together and realize how alike their personal

ities are (sassy little daredevils, they are!). I love how fond they are of each other, how they always make sure to hug each other before the visit ends, and how they work out their relationship (even as young as they are) in their own ways. It's been a surprise to me, in a good way, to realize that I enjoy finding ways our daughter is connected to her genetics every single bit as much as I enjoy trying to see whose eyes or coloring our son has from our bio family.

I do not love that we do not have much (any? close.) paternal bio family contact. Our daughter has two additional brothers (think grade school) and a sister ( who is a teenager, and oh man, this one kills me, a SISTER!) who we do not see. Actually, the sister does not know that our daughter is her father's child, though by the questions I've been told she asked, she probably figures it. I know where to find everyone, and sister doesn't live with bio dad....and I want so badly to contact her. One day, IF our daughter wants and sister is over 18 (which is not long) it's likely we DO contact her. The thing that has kept m

e from doing so thus far is that I know bio dad (who we barely have contact with now, but barely is not "none," either) would prefer we do not. For now, that's enough for me. I do feel fortunate to be able to keep a bit of a handle on everyone, though.

It's sad for me to see with the brother we have contact with HOW WONDERFUL it can be...and know that she and the other siblings are missing out on that. But I know we are still extremely lucky and blessed. I know that we have much more than many families have. In the end, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do, after all, and right now, bio dad just does not want...and for now...it's his call. Perhaps not forever, but for now it is. And for now, we count our many blessings, because they are certainly many. Our daughter and her fam

ily may have been anyone's daughter, anyone's family...but thank the Good Lord in Heaven....we can call them all our own.

Proof (from Sunday afternoon) that the open adoption thing rocks our socks in this house:

Open Adoption Round Table #17: Sharing

2010-06-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

Time again for the Open Adoption Round Table, brought to you by Heather at Production, Not Reproduction.

This OAR's promt is from Susiebook:
Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I've also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I actually considered not writing for this prompt because I honestly have no clue what to say.

As a rule, we are extremely transparent with our child's first family. I mean honestly, how do you feel like there's much to hide when you've had to start out the relationship early on saying "uhm, by the way, turns out I'm pregnant....do you hate me now PLEASE DON'T HATE ME NOW!"?? You know? We share pretty much everything from our end...we've been honest with how I GOT pregnant (IVF) and why we were pursing both (cause we wanted both!) and we see them often enough that they know how we parent and what goes on around here. (Well, at least our girl's MOTHER'S side of the family...as for Dad, I could use a lot more sharing, and am still holding hope on that one!) We support each other as parents and share info back and forth about the kids often. I have a blog that I share day-to-day stuff on, we email, share pics on AIM, text, etc. I would call Rachel a friend...so there isn't much that I don't share with her, even regarding mundane things not so much related to the child we share. For the most part, I think she feels this way, too.

However, as much as she HAS shared, I'm sure there's a lot of things she doesn't share. I know that she hates asking for help, so it wouldn't surprise me if she has withheld some of their hard times, though I know about a lot of them and hope she always feels as if she can talk to me, even just to vent....about any situation, really.

You know, I think that's what I wouldn't want most...to have anyone feel they CAN'T share. I would hate to find out that any member of my daughter's family had any sort of adoption-related burden especially that they couldn't come to us and talk to us about. I want, very much, to be there for them, even if some things can't be changed.

Open Adoption Round Table #16

2010-05-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

Imagine your child as an adult describing their open adoption experience. What do you hope they will be able to say about you? How did you view their other parents? In what ways did you support their relationship with them?

The short of it is that I want my daughter to be able to say that I was honest, respectful, and supportive. I want her to be able to say that there were no questions that weren't allowed to be asked, and that if I don't know the answers, I would do my best to find them for her. I want her to see the relationship I have with her first family as just that--family. I want her to know and understand that we love and respect her other mom and dad, and I hope that we're already instilling this in her. I want her to be encouraged and feel allowed to love them, and love them A LOT. I want her to know that all the little things I am doing now--talking about how much they love her, mentioning them day-to-day even when they can't be here with us, including them in the baby book, welcoming them with open arms into our (and her!) lives, keeping pictures of everyone around so she (and everyone else, too) can see that they are clearly our family....those are things I do because I love her and because I love them. I want her to know that I love and support her as a member of our COLLECTIVE family, not as "our" daughter, but truly as OUR daughter.

I want her to know that my opinion of her first mom is very high. Her other mother is amazing and strong. Knowing her has changed my life for the better. I want her to know that we are like any other family....thrown together perhaps because of twists of fate, but in the end, there for each other through good and bad because we love each other.

What IF?

2010-04-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

What if we never REALLY try again for another child?

What if for one reason or another....we never really try to have another child again? Sure, we are "trying," but more and more it seems that that's not going to work (again). Perhaps it will work if we do this for the next 10 years until I hit menopause or am old enough that the risks are too great, but maybe NOT...and that it WILL work is probably not a great bet to make. So what if we never do choose treatments again?

Family building choices are never EASY but when those choices are to be Done or to spend $18-20k on a chance and take that money from the kids you already have, it's even harder. The reasons not to try to have another child are many:

1. We have two, a girl and a boy at that, and they are wonderful.

2. They are wonderful, indeed, but also OH MY GOSH time consuming.

3. Infertility treatments suck. And the reality for us it that it's likely IVF if we are going to go for it.

4. All infertility treatments, but especially IVF, are extremely expensive.

5. Right now we don't have the money for IVF....we would need help from someone, and though some have offered, with two kids already it's hard to accept it even temporarily.

6. The facts are the facts: having more kids takes time, money, and attention away from the kids you have.

7. Our kids already have sibling/s so it's not like they're missing out on that experience.

8. We could give our kids a pool (or insert other $18-20k item) instead.

9. Perhaps we are being selfish and should use our money for helping those in need instead of adding to our already rich family.

10. What if the next child has something wrong, something big, and we're tempting fate? Ethan is not without his issues--what if the next child has BIG issues?

11. What if the next pregnancy ends up being dangerous for me? I already have these children to think about, after all.

12. What if the next child changes our family dynamic in a bad way?

13. What if one day Ava thinks we value biology over children themselves because we tried so hard again to get pregnant?

14. Ethan really might be a fluke and we would spend the $6k (assuming we did shared risk IVF treatments that gave most of our money back if we didn't take a baby home), the time, the energy, and the hope on nothing, probably taking us somewhat away from Ava and Ethan.

The list could go on, really.

The reasons TO HAVE a child are fewer, but I tell myself that they are greater...

1. We would have another child! Maybe that would be stressful, but in the end how could that not be worth it?

2. Our children would have another sibling.

3. Ethan would have a close biological link. Now I know, as an adoptive mom, that this is a controversial "positive" but I say this for two reasons. ONE is that I SEE how cool it is for Ava to have a bio sibling she's close with and can "see herself" in, and I'd like that experience for Ethan too. The other is more basic....medically speaking, emotionally speaking, I think it's nice to have someone "like you" genetically....and with no bio cousins (and none coming) there will be no one "like Ethan" when our generation is gone. Is this huge? Probably not. But why NOT give that to him?

4. If something happened to one of our kids, we would still have two. The child left would still have a sibling. Is this a sane worry? Maybe not. But it's not a worry that's impossible, either. I have seen families lose children. I can tell you that when my husband's cousin Josh died while we were still all teenagers, it was nice that his brothers still had each other. People do die, even children. It happens, it's a fact.

5. With three there's more of a chance one of them will stick around, live in this area, maybe work in our business, and have their life here....with us. (What? I'm just being honest!)

I was last pregnant April-December '07, three years ago. In those three years I have seen many people, infertile and fertile, move on and have more kids or stop trying altogether, confident that their family is finished growing. It seems like almost everyone who has kids our children's ages is either DONE or pregnant. And here we sit, unsure. In fact, we had the conversation again last night. When/If might we do IVF again? When/If is a good time? IS there a good time? IS it sane to EVER try again? Do we REALLY want to spend that money when we have two beautiful children? DO we want to risk what anyone risks when they have a pregnancy, add a child, grow their family?

What if we don't ever jump into IVF again? What if we never take that chance? Will we be happy? Sometimes I can see us as a happy, complete family of four because in many ways we are complete with these kids. But what if we never jump and one day a long time down the road, when there are no options anymore, I regret that decision....because of myself or because of the way it affects the kids I already have?

In a lot of ways it's simple....HAVE another child. My heart wants another child, it just does. It's unlikely that another child will be truly ill (but it's possible) and it's unlikely that a pregnancy will harm me (but it's possible) and it's unlikely that adding another child or even two will make our family less happy (but it's possible). So why not find that money somewhere and just JUMP?

Because what IF one or more of those reasons "not to try" come true? What if I AM and CAN CONTINUE to be happy with these kids and never regret THAT choice? What if this is just plain enough? What if this is less stress, more love, and more opportunities for THESE kids who are ALREADY here?

What if this really is perfect for us and we are all max happy THIS way? What if this is enough for us, what if this is all we really need and some day we look back, happy that we are a family of four?

This post is part of Project IF for National Infertility Awareness Week. Want to know more about infertility? Visit Resolve. Or, if you want to know more about NIAW, click here. Want to read the original list of What IF's or find more posts in this project or even add your own? Click away! :)

Open Adoption Round Table #15: Money

2010-04-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

It's once more time for the Open Adoption Round Table, hosted by Heather of Production Not Reproduction!

Does money affect your open adoption?

I would say that the answer to this question is no....money doesn't really AFFECT our open adoption. We do help out our daughter's other mother from time to time with gas money (but if we made the trip, we'd be paying gas money and it's nice to have visits here sometimes without burdening them) or other small things....and we have helped out birthdad once with an early and slightly larger Christmas present when his vehicle broke down, but those are things that we would do for really almost anyone. They don't truly affect the relationships.

From what I can gather, money did affect their decision to place, but it wasn't the most important factor by far. Much more important were things like support, time to be able to devote to her since birthdad already had three kids, and the health demands of her older brother.

Money didn't really even affect our decision to adopt. By then we'd already spent a small fortune on infertility treatments that didn't work (really, it was around 70k at that point) and so the adoption fees sounded like a steal----for a BABY! For SURE! Before the kids, we had plenty of money (haha) and our agency's fees were spaced nicely, so it was never a problem. We had a loan for the last big placement fee,but that was all. We were/are blessed, that's for sure.

Open Adoption Round Table #14: SUCCESS!

2010-02-24T12:19:00.001-08:00

It's time again for the Open Adoption Round Table, hosted by Heather of Production Not Reproduction!

This time, Lori of Weebles Wobblog asks the question:

If there's one thing we all might agree on, it's that we'd like our open adoptions to be successful. But what does "success" mean to you, when speaking about open adoption? Do you think it may mean something else to the others in your triad?

For me, success in open adoption is defined by support. I want my daughter to feel supported by her biological and adopted families both with emotional and physical support....to have all of us there for her if she has questions, if she needs medical information, or if she is just having a bad day (and when she's having GOOD days, too!). I also want her birth family to feel supported in the way that if they want to see her, talk to her, get information about what's going on her life--that they always feel we are welcoming and open to their involvement (bio parents and siblings too). And although before having an open adoption, I'd not have guessed it, I also think it's important to have the adoptive family feel supported and validated as well.

I would expect that I'd get similar answers from my daughter's other mother....our ideas on openness are very cohesive, which has obviously been a blessing. As for her bio dad, I'm not as sure. I don't know if he feels that the lack of contact (his choice) is good or bad or just what he has to do. I have a lot of questions there, that's for sure.

At this point in time, I certainly feel that our open adoption is successful. I believe that everyone (well, let's let this at everyone who is INVOLVED) feels supported and loved. We are very open with one another and I am happy to say we ARE family.

Open Adoption Round Table #13...Making it Work

2010-01-27T09:10:00.001-08:00

The Open Adoption Round Table topic this time is about what happens when people on the same side of the triad don't agree on openness. Andy, from Today's The Day! states how we often hear about disagreements between birthparents and adoptive parents on levels of openness, but you less often hear about people on the same side of the triad. First families or first moms and dads who don't want the same level of openness, a first parent's issues with dating partners who don't understand their relationship with their placed child, adoptive mothers and fathers who have different ideas on what's best, even an adoptee who is searching for their birthfamily with an unsupportive spouse.

She also asks how we deal with these situation and how they affect our relationships. In short, how do we "make it work?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For us, we started out like many people pursuing adoption, thinking that well, in this day and age you just had to have some sort of contact. However, we both did get to the "more is better" idea as we became more educated on adoption, though I came more quickly to the idea. My husband has a sister who was adopted as a teen and that has not been without issues, and I think that colored his ideas of both adoption and first families. Luckily, by the time we were accepting placements and making decisions on what we were telling potential birthfamilies, we were in agreeance, so we didn't deal with it within ourselves.

We have dealt with it to some degree with our families. They don't outright DISagree, any of them, but probably some of them don't agree and/or don't understand. We are frustrated when someone won't take the time to really remember who's who in our daughter's bio family (there aren't that many of them, and less that we talk regularly about). We get questions that are pointed or idiotic and have to explain it to people time and time again (usually the same people). Certain people are still, after 2 and a half years, still not just treating her birthmother and brother as part of our family, though they've become just that for us (as in, there are family pictures of ALL of us up on our entertainment center). It's hard when it's clearly "us" and "them" to people, because it's clear that they're just not TRYING, and if they won't try for her first family, they're also not trying for HER.

A lot of those same issues are issues we deal with with friends (and even get questions on from people who are strangers!). I know that mostly people just can not understand until it's THEM in the situation....that that child is a part of BOTH families and you as her parent WANT her to be loved by all her family, bio and adopted, and it hurts when the child ISN'T shown love by any person in those groups.

How do we deal with family and friends? Mostly I tend to take the explain-it-nicely approach because of this fact. I point out what is so good about openness, and why (esp in our situation) we are so committed to it. I talk a lot about her bio family in a positive light so that people can pick up on that. Sometimes, though, you just have to let it go. Willfully ignorant is not something that's easily changed.

We also have lopsided openness from her first family, and so they obviously disagree on what level of contact is good/needed. Or perhaps they are just not all as committed, is probably the truth. I am very very grateful for her maternal side, who has pretty much embraced the whole thing and I'm confident that quite a few of them love her just as much as they love birth mother's other son. As for birth dad, we have little to no contact, which is sad for us and for her and her bio siblings on his side. However, we do have a little contact, and for that I'm glad. There's no "dealing" with this fact, it just IS and it's out of our control for th most part. I try to keep tabs on all the adults in the equation so that if one day we want to try for more (delicate balance!!) or if our child wants to contact anyone, we will at least have that information.

I know, too, that birthmom has dealt with people in her life, dating and otherwise, who just can not accept that she placed her child for adoption. She says she has heard a lot of crazy things....that she's a bad mother, that she's hurting her kids with the open relationship, that her kids will hate her one day. She has told me, and I applaud her for this, that she just keeps being open with it, because if someone can't deal with it, then that person can't be in her life because our child is a part of her life and neither she nor the adoption are anything to be ashamed about.

We are CERTAINLY glad that we chose openness, and for us, it's worked out very well. There is nothing for us to hide or be worried about with our child's first family, and we have grown to BE family. It's not a conventional or even "natural" situation, if you will, but for us, it works and is wonderful. If other people don't like that, tough. And if anyone in her bio or adopted families (and family friends) wants to be more in on the openness, they're welcome to join us. We'll make it work with who we have, be that 6 people or 40. But hey, the more the merrier!

Open Adoption Round Table #11...Holidays!

2009-12-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

The 11th Open Adoption Round Table is simple: Write about open adoption and the holiday season.

I LOVE open adoption's impact on our holiday season! We really pretty much don't need an excuse to get together, and getting together and eating is even better. Add present-giving and the holidays are right down my alley. SURE, adding another family adds some am out of extra busy-ness, but it also adds a lot of fun and excellent memories too!

We start the holidays with a Thanksgiving get-together (usually at our house) which is always good. Too much food, too much crazy (the kids) and too much fun! This year we even went to have family pictures taken, which are our gift to Rachel this Christmas, plus....who doesn't love pictures?!

Next comes Christmas...we usually get together at Rachel and Connor's, lots of times with some of their friends and some extended family. We exchange gifts, eat too much, and laugh at the kids. We usually also celebrate Ethan and Connor's birthdays then, too, since Connor's is the 28th of December and Ethan's is the 6th.

Christmas and Thanksgiving aren't the only holidays we celebrate, either. We do everyone's birthdays (we like cake!) and have an Easter-egg hunt for Easter. Hey, everyone loves a good visit! :D

Open Adoption Round Table #10...Birthdays

2009-11-17T20:18:00.000-08:00

Ok, ok, I've been a slacker. But I'm back. Really. At least for now. :)

The Open Adoption Round Table, normally (and kind of still!) hosted by Heather at Production, Not Reproduction is a series of writing prompts on open adoption. And oh my, are the ladies COOL! All sides of the triad are represented and it's lovely reading. You must go and read, and join in if you're part of the adoption world!

At any rate, the prompt this time is offered by Thanksgivingmom, who placed her child for adoption almost three years ago this month. She asks to hear more about birthdays in our open adoptions, and includes (Yay, thank you!) a few specifics...I only included, of course, the ones that apply to our adoption:

1. What do you/your family do to integrate open adoption and birthday celebrations?

We have only had two birthdays for our daughter so far, but both times we celebrated with her birth family in some way. Both times we happened to go to her bio mom and brother's house for cake and dinner. All of her family can't travel easily, and at our big family parties they wouldn't get much time actually WITH her, so it works out nice to have an intimate party with just her bio family....though they would be welcome for her parties here, as well...I hesitate to make them feel like they HAVE to attend since the drive is long and since even WE do not see her much on her party days! hahaha!

I don't know if this is part of the real prompt or not, but we actually also celebrate OUR birthdays at get-togethers (that is the moms and my husband) and also her brothers' (our son and her birth mom's other child, our daughter's brother). We see each other about every other month, so we can always agree on making an excuse for cake! And the boys' birthdays are both in December, so we have cake and exchange presents then for them, as well.

2. What do you wish you would see in future birthday celebrations re: involvement with your child’s adoptive parents/birth parents?

I wish we could have more contact with her bio paternal side. That's pretty much it. I'd love to have her bio maternal side at her parties here, too, but it's probably not the sanest option for anyone! lol!! Other than that, I love it the way it is! The more the merrier!

Also, I would hope that as she gets to understand the phone better, everyone feels free to call each other on her actual birthday, too!! So far we've not done anything big on the actual day because it's normally a week day, but I know from our side, at least, calls are always welcome and I would think as she gets older she might appreciate that as well.

3. Do you have an open adoption agreement that requires contact on/around birthdays?

Not really, but I think it's kind of understood. I think we just agreed on "3-5 visits a year" at the start, but it's never BEEN that. We have extremely frequent contact between visits (email, calls, texts) and like I said, visits at holidays and at least every other month with her maternal side. However.....paternal is different and we're lucky to get texts at the holidays. :(

4. How does that agreement affect you? Do you wish it were different? Do you wish that you did have an agreement that requires such contact?

The understood agreement is less than what we have with her birth mom's side....and I do not wish that was different. Right now I am extremely content with how much we see and talk to bio mom and her family and they are very very much a part of our family. We could not have asked for better for us or our child. As for her birth dad....sigh. I wish it was "enforceable" in a way that would work....but I just...as a BASE, hope we don't lose contact with him and his boys and would, as a base, love contact with his other daughter (or even that she knew that her father was our daughter's father and that she has a sister). I have information for her and her mother....but I don't want to risk what little relationship we have with birth dad by acting against his wishes. Sigh....enough about that. That part is not what I thought it would be, though I know that everyone has their own lives and he is busy with his boys. It just breaks my heart for his daughter and sons because I see first hand how AWESOME it can be with birth mom's son.

5. And anything else you can think of!

I think I've actually covered almost everything here! Birthdays are an extremely special and sentimental thing around here....and I don't think that I'd ever want to "separate" her birthday from her birth family (as if that's even possible!!). Because of them, we all have this wonderful child. Because of them, we were able to be there for her birth day. Her bio maternal side has been so generous and welcoming, including us as part of their family, and I am so, so grateful for that kindness. For our daughter and for our family. They include in their family not only the child we share, but our son as well, which means so much and says something about how they really view us--as family.

Open Adoption Round Table #6...Names

2009-09-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

It's time (ok, it's past time, I'm late) for another Open Adoption Round Table...this time about naming in open adoption.

Our agency had coached us that we were entering into an open adoption....and that if the birthparents chose to name the baby and were up front about that, then we could accept that match and honor that choice or we could turn the match down. I think that is a fair thing....honestly, a name is important and I believe in keeping a child's first name the child's only name if at all possible and ALWAYS ALWAYS being up front with everyone about it if the name is to be changed.

We were in on several situations where the birthparnts had already named the baby, and it never stopped us from sending in our profile and letter. We didn't name OURSELVES, after all, and we were fine with our names. And there are always nicknames. That said, none of these names were in any way objectionable at all.

In the end, when we were matched with our daughter's birthparents, we all named her together. When we interviewed with them, we touched on names and they wanted us to name her, but we wanted their input. We gave them a list of names we liked and we brainstormed together. One afternoon I wrote an email to Ava's birthmom about what our final favorite choice was....and then when we were out to eat later, she called and said that she and birthdad had been considering the names we'd talked about and they really like Ava. I laughed and asked if she'd checked her email and she said no...why? It was the same name as we had landed on!! It seemed so wonderful and special that we all came to the same conclusion about her name. In a long line of compromises and having things be hard building a family, our daughter's name was easy and magical. I'll always remember that conversation and how happy we all were that her name was perfect.

That said, there was "compromise" in her name, if you can call it compromise. After meeting her birthparents, I felt strongly that instead of using my middle name (as planned for a daughter) we should use birthmom's middle name to honor her as her other mother. And it all fell together. Perfectly. And in the end, it didn't feel like compromise at all. What it felt like was the beginning of our cooperative love for a child who we were all about to meet in less than a month!

(As I was reading some of the posts I wanted to add to the fact that we came upon the name "Ava" by chance...it had not been on our list of favorite girl names for long. In FACT, I only happened across it as I was on semi bedrest after the IVF cycle that led to our son. I was reading my enormous backlog of magazines--and some borrowed--and an author of one of the stories in a borrowed magazine I was reading mentioned that she was blah blah blah and had a son, blah blah and daughter, Ava. I hadn't really heard the name before much and thought to myself how pretty it was. Our first girl choice before that was Jenna, which we still do like. But for some reason, I don't even know what, we favored Ava for Rachel, Russ, and our child almost immediately after meeting them...and we all agreed shortly after that it was everyone's favorite. It's kind of special to me that this is one more way that our kids' stories are strangely intertwined with a siblingness that started before they were even born, let alone before they were ACTUALLY siblings. (Other things include the insane timing that was the only way we'd have both of them and the fact that Rachel and I shared a few weeks of being pregnant.) Without that bedrest, Ava would very very likely be Jenna.)

Here's what I posted back in 2007 about the naming of our daughter, for those interested:

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Ava Renee

I talked to Rachel today...

It was so funny because then while we were at dinner with Trav's parents, she called me, wanting to double check if the zoo was fine and....get this....SHE wanted to talk about baby names TOO because the baby could come soon! ..... The funny bit gets better, too. She had been thinking about the names we mentioned the other night and liked Ava the best, the same I'd just written to her about! I said that we really wanted to keep her middle name (Renee) as the baby's middle name, and we'd thought Ava Renee sounded so nice. She said she'd double check with Russ.

I got an email tonight saying how she was honored that we wanted to keep the baby's name her middle name and how much it meant to her. And that she talked to Russ and they were going to put Ava Renee OurLastName on the birth certificate.

Seriously, this might happen. Today when we were at Walmart we even picked out a few cute girly clothes. Casual playwear sort of things, and not much, but just a few pink items. So far all we had was, obviously, neutral stuff. Pray pray pray, because I'm already attached! To Rachel and Russ, and to baby Ava.

Product Raves

2009-08-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

I have a few products that we recently bought that some of you might have interest in, so I thought I'd share....

First the short one: Awareness ribbons! I got these pins from Personalized Cause and they're really, really nice (and under $7!). They're just the right size and are jewelry quality. I can't wait to wear them....I plan on putting them on my coat once it cools down, and especially during NIAW and Adoption Awareness Month. The pink and blue one is for both infertility and also for miscarriage/infant loss, and the white one is for adoption. I highly recommend the site...they were fast shipping and the ribbons really are great.

We recently also ordered these cute storybooks for the kids from My Creations:

I heard about them through another blogger who has children who are by adoption and birth and decided to check them out. They sell personalized storybooks (which are suitable for kids to handle durability-wise) and have stories for domestic open and closed adoption along with international adoption, IUI, IVF, surrogate, etc. The stories are completely customizable, too....you can even pick the hair colors of the characters! We chose to fully customize the books and to have a final proof sent to us because our stories are a little complicated and we wanted to accurately include both kids in each others' books.

The people there were FANTASTIC. They were game to do our books and were able to change things throughout and even details in the illustrations so that in Ava's book I was pregnant when she came home, and in Ethan's book the "sister" character was another infant. I had two rounds of corrections...just little things because I wanted their books as accurate as possible since they're going to be part of the way we teach them about their beginnings...and they were wonderfully easy to work with. And the books are ADORABLE. When they came, both sat there for me to read to them and they're BOTH already pointing out who's who in the stories when asked. I think it's really helping Ava with the in-Mommy-Rachel's-tummy concept, too. When I ask her who's in Rachel's tummy in one of the pics, she says "Baby Avee!" :)

Here are some excerpts from Ava's book. The stories start out the same, how once-upon-a-time there were two people, Jessica and Travis, and they were so happy that they wanted to start a family....

Then the book tells how we were so excited and went home and got ready for the baby, etc, etc...

Next it tells how the little girl was the most beautiful baby in the whole world, and we decided to name her Ava.....

I love how they were able to get a pg mom in here as opposed to the "stock" mommy. :)

The last page of the book has a little girl and says how "Rachel, Russ, Mommy, Daddy, and Ethan will always think that Ava is a special girl...and guess what? SHE IS!"

Here are some excerpts from Ethan's book:

This is the way Ava's book starts, too, though obviously omit the "were about to become Mommy and Daddy to Ava" which the people at My Creations added for me.

I had them change this page a little. It originally read "They went to see Dr. Colver. He put a little bit of Travis and a little bit of Jessica into Jessica's tummy" which I thought was....VERY VERY loosely accurate for IVF. So I added the dish and embryo parts, which I feel are still child friendly, obviously, since I've already been using the dish bits!

The book goes on to tell about how my tummy grew and we were busy with Ava and things were so exciting....getting another crib ready, etc....

His book goes on here the same as hers, how he was the most handsome baby in the whole world, and how we named him Ethan...

The last page is the same as Ava's last page, with the little boy and "Mommy, Daddy, and Ava...."

I really LOVE the books and they seem extremely durable (they've already been carting them around since they got here) and kid-friendly in text, too. I think it'll be a great way to help teach their stories since they're so easy to understand!!

Open Adoption Round Table #5

2009-08-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

Production, Not Reproduction has listed the topic of her fifth OA Round Table. This time the topic is:

How has open adoption changed you? In what ways are you different because the presence of open adoption in your life?

I believe that the biggest way open adoption has changed me (Other than the obvious fact that I became a mother for the first time this way!) is that it has made me a more accepting and compassionate person. It's sort of hard to separate what infertility, miscarriage, and adoption all uniquely did for me. It's also hard to know what I would have "grown up" into anyway, seeing as I was ages 20-23 throughout the process of going from ttc to IVF to adoption to motherhood. So it stands to reason that one does sometimes "grow up" a lot during that time frame. However, I think that it's probably especially adoption that has broadened my world-view.

There's a lot of FEELINGS in adoption, and it's even harder to dismiss them in open adoption, when you are continually face to face with a whole other lifestyle, which let's face it...is probably not your own. There are GOING to be differences between the bio family of a child and their adoptive family because there are reasons for placement, reasons for choosing adoption, etc. Most are not bad or good, they are simply different. It's hard or impossible in an open adoption not to recognize those differences, and yet...because you are now family, you begin to unconditionally accept those differences and be stretched to love people who you might never have come into contact with if you didn't share love for the same child. You also begin to forgive their faults and shortcomings, even though some of them may hurt you. You want to believe that even the hurtful things are not meant to be hurtful. Maybe I don't agree with everything my child's bio familiy does or says...but I find myself wanting to give the benefit of the doubt, because these people are part of my family now, part of my child. These are the people who will matter to her. These are the people who gave us the greatest gift any human being can possibly give.

It seems to me that usually one's biological family and even their spouse's family is mostly ALIKE to them...but in adoption you are creating another branch of family that before the child, probably shared NOTHING with you. They have had different experiences, they have a different way of life, and they may even value different things. As a 20 year old CHILD (Sure, I was married and ttc, so I was "mature," but let's be real..) I had an extremely limited world view. As I grew through the pain of infertility and pregnancy loss, and then the experience of open adoption (some things sad, some things happier than I could have ever imagined) I became a kinder, more accepting, more compassionate person.

And that is a great bonus.

Open Adoption Round Table #4...A Small Moment

2009-07-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

PNR's Open Adoption Round Table #4 is to write about a small moment that open adoption has made possible.

There are SO many amazing "small" things that open adoption has let me experience. Looking at a child who didn't come from your genetics, yet trying to see if they look more like this brother or that brother....being at my daughter's birth and seeing my husband cut the cord....spending the week in the NICU with our daughter's bio family and being there for feedings and baths...choosing to extend our family not just by one person but exponentially in the way that usually only happens when two people marry...heck, even the fact that I now have two children would be unlikely in a closed adoption. When I turned up pregnant (shocker---IVF sometimes works!), because we were in an open adoption, it was not up to the AGENCY but up to our daughter's birthfamily to terminate/not terminate the match (our daughter was not yet born). Because we already had a bond going, because they already chose and loved us, they were not upset like I'd feared, but HAPPY that our daughter would have a sibling. Otherwise...poof, we'd just have the one child.

It brings tears to my eyes just writing it. R later said to me that she was just terrified that WE wanted to terminate the match! GOOD HEAVENS, that was certainly NOT what I was hoping for, lol!

But...I think that the small thing that means the most to me happens again and again. The thing that means the most is that my daughter has really started to identify with R's son as her other brother. It's been a harder bond to form for her, because unlike my son whom she sees day in and day out, she only sees R's son every couple months. But recently she is really getting it. She says she loves him and asks to make videos for him. And when we're together, my son and her son and our daughter all play together. And I love it. I love seeing our kids be siblings. I love seeing their similarities and seeing them all enjoy each other.

I hope they never know it any other way.

Open Adoption Round Table #3...My Hopes and Dreams for Our Adoption

2009-07-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

Production Not Reproduction is hosting another round table about open adoption, this time listing our hopes and dreams for our own open adoptions.

It's hard to narrow down this one! I have so many hopes and dreams...thoughts about how I'd ideally like for the future to turn out within our own personal triad. I think basically I would like for us to all be truly family, the way we are with our daughter's birthmother and her family. I would like more from birthdad and his family. And most of all I want my child to grow up knowing that adoption DOES make her different....but in a good way!

For R, our daughter's birthmom, I would like:

-Peace to come from communication more often than not. We are honest and open with each other but sometimes I do still worry about her feelings.
-A good relationship with our daughter to grow and mature as she grows up.
-I just want her to be able to continually see how much we love our daughter and that we're doing our best to give her a wonderful and happy childhood.

For C, R's son:

-A relationship with his sister and her brother, our son, to develop and feel real, because it is.
-For him to know that we are HIS FAMILY too, and want to be there for him whatever he needs in the future.

For R, our birthdad, I would like:

-I would like him to have more communication with us for all the kids that are involved here, and for himself, so he can have a relationship with our child.
-I'd like him to be honest with his family about our child, because I want them to have the chance to know us, too, and because I think that carrying a secret like that can't be good.
-I'd like him to have peace however he can get it, but I would hope that it could be achieved and at least have SOME level of contact, at least for the kids' sakes. I'm not saying A LOT of contact, but emails at least, would be nice.

For J and G, his sons:

-I want them to know our daughter, and have a relationship with her. They're so innocent and it could be so easy to have a relationship with them...
-I would like to be there for them whatever they need, too. They're our family now, after all.
-If R doesn't want a relationship with us, that's ok, but I would hope that J and G will be offered the chance to contact us and their sister as they get older.

For A, his daughter:

-I would like for her to know her sister exists and IS HER SISTER. I know she wants a sister...the heartbreaking thing for me is that she has one.
-I would like her to have a relationship with her sister and know we are there for her.

For our child's extended family:

-I would like contact with anyone and everyone who would like it. For them and for our daughter.
-I want them to know how loved and cherished she is and that we're doing the best for her that we possibly can. I'd like them all to know how happy she is.

For our daughter:

-To know that her birth AND adopted families love her very much.
-To have contact with her birthfamily, esp her siblings.
-To know that we love her birthfamlies.
-To feel that being adopted makes her special in a good way, never in a bad way.
-To know that she made us a family, even though her brother is our first biological child.
-To know that we are in no way ashamed of her being adopted, and that she shouldn't be either.
-To feel comfortable being open with anyone she wants about our family.
-To never feel abandoned, and if she feels it, to have it easily put to rest by us or her bio family.
-To grow up happy and strong in her identity as a wonderful young woman.

For us...myself, my husband, and our (bio) son:

-To continue to view openness only as a good thing.
-To continue to be the way we are.
-To never have bio/adoption issues between the kids, and if it comes up, to have it put to rest quickly and without longterm damage.
-To love each other because we ARE blessed to have THIS family and we should never forget that it could easily have gone another way. I'm not a believer in absolute "everything happens for a reason" per se, but....if not this, something totally different and that is not to say better.
-For our families and friends to care about more than JUST Ava....to have real interest in her bio family and not have to have who's-who explained every time we mention a bio sibling or parent...because their caring and knowing shows they care and know ABOUT HER. And their not listening or retaining the knowledge shows that they aren't invested in parts of her that matter very much to all of us.

Some of these things will almost certainly happen, and other things I have great fear of not coming true. But if I had my way, this is at least most of how I'd like to see our open adoption.

Fathers in Open Adoption

2009-06-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

I know, I'm late....but life has been hectic! I wanted to get in on the second Open Adoption Round Table topic from Production, Not Reproduction....which was to write about the fathers in your open adoption.

There are two fathers in our open adoption...my husband, and our daughter's bio father, R.

On first thought, this is a complicated topic and I felt swamped thinking about what to write....but on second thought, it's really not as much as I first felt...it is what it is, really.

My husband, Travis has been a wonderful father, as I knew he would be. He loves our daughter with EVERY SINGLE ounce of him...sometimes I think perhaps he loves her even MORE THAN our (biologically added) son! She is definitely his sun and moon. I'm not sure if this is because she was our first baby, or if it's that father-daughter bond, but it's a fabulous thing. He's good with the openness and the kids and I really couldn't want more.

As for my daughter's bio father R, it's a bit more complicated. Yet, like I said, it's not complicated.... We don't have much contact. I know that having ANY contact is luckier than most. We know who he is, where he is, we could find him if we had a question or needed something....we know all of his children's names. We have pictures from the NICU and pictures from a visit. We have intermittent contact even, though mostly just texts on holidays. But we have SUCH an open relationship with our daughter's birthmom and her son that it really just amplifies what a tease it is to be SO CLOSE to a relationship with him (and especially with his three children) and yet really have very little.

From the beginning he made it clear that he wasn't going to be super involved, but I didn't really expect THIS LITTLE involvement. He seemed involved enough in the adoption and we met with him twice in the two months before our daughter's birth. We exchanged emails and he called a few times to update us towards the end of the pregnancy. He wasn't there when our daughter was born, but did visit in the NICU. Before the birth, we went with both of them and the kids to the zoo. Since then we have seen him one time in two years and the emails have pretty much tapered off to nonexistant. I know from our child's birthmom that he has had his share of relationship troubles and some other things, and I have to respect that maybe he just can't deal with us at this time, but I wish for a lot more...and am afraid we will end up with a lot less. R is someone I want to be able to contact at least, but really I wish that he'd come around to more contact so that the KIDS could know each other the way we know the other side of our child's bio family. It's sad because we know how good it CAN BE and yet....though R has often said he's willing, it never happens. This hurts me for our child, it hurts me for R's kids, and it hurts me for our daugther's birthmother.

As I said, I do know that in knowing who he is, where he is, and a lot of his history, we have a lot. But looking at my daughter's baby book and seeing a couple pages and pictures about R and his kids compared with MANY pages and MANY pictures with her maternal bio family does make me sad, too. I wonder what her questions will be, and if I will be able to answer them.

I worry we'll lose contact altogether...and I worry that we won't be able to provide our child with as much contact with her paternal bio family as she'd like, ESPECIALLY with her brothers and sister. However...there's nothing to do but keep up casual emails and holiday texts and hope for the best. I hope that R just needs some time and space, and that when/if we need to call on him to be more, he'll finally be ready.

Open Adoption Round Table!!

2009-06-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

Production Not Reproduction has started an Open Adoption Round Table and I thought I'd give it a whirl!! (Don't forget to click back to PNR's blog so that you can read along with all the other participants!)

This week's prompt is as follows:

We each had a starting point in open adoption, a point in which openness entered
our lives and our lexicon. For some, it was definite--you knew you wanted an
open adoption before you ever picked up the phone to call an agency. Others fell
into it as your relationship with your child's other family grew into something
far different than what you had planned. Maybe you never even considered open
adoption until a counselor brought it up. Perhaps you resisted the idea in the
beginning.

Your first assignment is to think back to who you were when
open adoption first entered into your life. As with so many things in life,
thinking about open adoption without having experienced it and actually living
it out are two very different things. What do you know now that you wish you
knew then? Has the reality of open adoption as it's looked in your life matched
your expectations? What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past
self, if you could? (If you're still in the beginning stages of your adoption
journey, flip the question around: What one thing do you wish you could ask your
future self about open adoption?) Be as creative or straightforward as you wish.

As is true in most couples (I think!) I was the leader in the "let's adopt!" process. After researching adoption a bit, I knew that I wanted some level of openness for our child, and for the child's birthfamily. After all, while I would be Mom, there was no denying that another woman was also a mother in this, and another man a father. If you're going to be honest about the beginnings of your child (something we feel strongly about with BOTH our adopted child and our IVF child and their combined story) there is really no reason not to have more info for them, at least to some degree. At first the "horror" situations did run through my head. What if the birthfamily has something questionable? What if the conception is a rape, what if one parent is in jail, blah blah blah. But with all things, you can't really deal till you have to deal anyway. You don't know what you're working with until it happens.

While I was diving headfirst into open adoption, my husband was a reluctant follower for a while. With a tough situation in his own family concerning adoption, it was harder for him all around. As we went through the process of becoming "paper pregnant" and learned more, we both came to the realization that we wanted very much to have some very solid level of openness....for our child and for their biological family. Medical information, support, background, family ties....

It wasn't until we met them that we started to realize what it was we were getting out of this, too. As soon as we met we had a bond. And the night our daughter was born cemented it in my mind...I wanted these people in our life. This was the greatest gift that any human being had ever given me!! Add in the fact that R allowed us there for every minute of the birth and made us instantly feel as if we were ALL family....and you had a bond I knew I wanted for life. This wasn't some scared teenager we needed to hold hands with for her sake (after all, R and R are older than we are!), this was my daughter's other mother! My partner in motherhood!! After wondering if it would feel awkward I realized it was the most natural and obvious thing in the world...our daughter had not one mother and father, but two. Not one sibling on the way, but four siblings and one on the way.

As time has gone on, we have mostly had contact with Ava's birthmom and her family, and really only contact here and there with her birthdad. I feel sad about this, but hopeful that he'll one day come around, and thankful that we at least do have some contact and can get in touch if need be, and if Ava wants. I am scared that he (and his three children) will not stick around for the long term, but right now is right now and we can't make anyone do anything. As for Ava's birthmom, we have a wonderful relationship with her. She was there for me during my pregnancy and has supported us with our son since the beginning. We have about 3 hours between us, and see each other about every other month, but I know we all wish we were closer! :)

Open adoption has expanded my family in ways I never guessed it would. What started out a relationship I thought I was obligated as a parent to keep has become an extended family....and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that the road we traveled to open adoption was pretty straightforward once we dove into adoption. Honestly, part of that was we had both the arrogance and ignorance of youth on our side. In our early 20's still, we thought that research and our hearts said this was best, so obviously it was. We felt we could handle anything and we would do whatever it took. We entered our open adoption with intentions to have at least 3-4 visits a year and we were honest with ourselves and have not felt strained by more visits and contact at all. We have gone with the flow and are happy with the results, though I know we've been blessed with a great match in our daughter's family (though doesn't that really mean that EVERYONE was just really honest and continues to be?). I don't feel like "I wish I'd have known" in any regard except that perhaps I wish I'd have known that the end would justify the means....though that stands for both of my children. I wish I'd have known what a spectacular and strange and amazing conclusion (at least for now) all the crap we were going through would have. I wish I'd have known that the treatments, the money, the miscarriage, the hurt, the wait, the failures....would all lead to our unique and fabulous family. Knowing would certainly have made the crap more bearable.

Help a Friend

2009-05-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

My dear friend, Cathy, from Tomorrow IS Another Day has been through the wringer lately...and Mrs. Spock and I are teaming up to help give her a show of love and support....and you can help! (This was going to be a U.T.E.R.U.S. project until everything broke loose in IF-land.)

Cathy, for the record, didn't want to have us make a big fuss, especially at first. She wanted to continue to quietly go about her business....but Mrs. Spock and I were determined to show her that we as a community care...that even though no one can REALLY "help" her situation, we can support her as best we can through the hard times she and her family are going through.

Cathy has been through hell the last few years. She has severe endometriosis which affects everything in her life from what and where she can eat to how she can care for her twin boys. Because of the endo she wasn't able to ttc on her own (too much ovulation = too risky) so she turned to IVF and though she had a craptastic cycle with just two embryos to transfer, she became pregnant...with TWINS! The pregnancy was problematic, however, and she went into early labor and was put on bed rest. Her mother became ill towards the end of her pregnancy and was hospitalized, though the cause of her illness was largely unknown. In Dec. 07, Cathy's water broke just past 36 weeks and Andrew and Daniel were delivered by C-section, spending a few weeks in the NICU. Since then, Daniel has encountered many health problems including FTT (he now has a g-tube and still suffers from aggressive throwing up, cause unknown), neutropenia, and hydrocephalus. He's been through many surgeries and hospital stays in his short life and though Cathy is a SAHM, her husband has had to take off a lot of work to help with Andrew, too. Cathy's own health continues to be an issue as finding something to keep her endo controlled is next to impossible...and soon decisions will need to be made to either ttc again or have a hysterectomy (and she is YOUNG, people, not much older than me!). However, most recently her mother's health has been very very poor again, causing all of Cathy's energy to focus on others. Her mom is dying of liver failure and also suffering from kidney failure on and off. A few weeks ago her brother tried to donate his liver but it was found to be too fatty (after much testing) and the surgery was cancelled at the last minute (though ironically later it was found that it was a partial screw-up and the liver could likely have been donated!!). After that, her mother almost died and was in ICU a while. Now she is at home waiting to either need to be admitted again for poor health or for a liver to become available. During the last few weeks it's become clear that with her husband's family all passed away and her family involved in her mother's health, she has no help if she needs to quickly be with her mom (or dad, if the worst happens), or if she needs to take time for medical appointments for herself or Daniel and Matt can't spare more time off.

How can you help? We simply wants to shower Cathy with love and support to make her life a little better and easier right now. We're raising money for Cathy, as well as raising money for a care package to show the love. Our goal is to raise money for babysitting (roughly $20/hour for special needs care, which she needs because Daniel requires tube feeding) or, if babysitting ends up being unneeded...for Cathy to use towards her or Daniel's medical care however she sees fit. There will be a DONATE button for paypal at the bottom of this post (it's our business, Chatt Insurance Center's paypal account, so that'll show up, but I'll be forwarding all money to Cathy once it all comes in, no worries, I'm honest!). The point is not the money so much as to show that we love her and want to provide her with options for both the difficult times with her mother and for any future medical needs/sitting for dr's appointments for Daniel or herself.

If you would rather buy something for Cathy yourself, I've set up a "care package registry" with some things that they need or would want (polymem, medical tape, clothes that can be puked on, a few extra items that are just nice, gift cards, etc), or you can contact me at jpond_24@yahoo.com if you have something specific in mind and I'll give you the details on how to send it. Her "registry" can be found here.

Looking for ideas to shop for Cathy yourself? Most needed items are:

CATHY-amazon/target/BJ's gift cards, "cheap" (think wal-mart/target $3 specials) clothes she can wear to get puked on: tee shirts in size medium, shorts in sz med, sweat pants/long slv tees in md as well.

MATT-Lowes/Home Depot cards, wood pen-making kits. Sunkist fruit gems is a fav candy.

DANIEL-diapers sz 3, onesies THAT SNAP UP for the tube and snap crotch so he can't pull the tube, sz 9mo now, sz 9-12 in the fall. Pants/shorts sz 6 or 9. Snap up pajamas or rompers in sz 9mo. Medical paper or cloth tape (NexCare or 3M, uses 1-2 rolls a mo). 1cc syringes. Polymem.

ANDREW-diapers sz 4, summer clothes sz 18/18-24mo pants and shirts.

Both boys really like toddler blocks and Fisher Price Little People.

You can also visit Cathy's blog and offer up some kind words!

Cathy has been my friend for years, and when we went through the last IVF together, and then got pregnant at the same time, I had hoped we'd both have our "happily ever after"....but instead the last few years I've had to sit by my friend while crap happens left and right. While I can't give her any good answers, I can give her support and let her know that I (and a lot of you) care about her and her family. I know that times are tough for many, but even a little will show that you care...and if you can't give money, go lend a word of encouragement...it'll mean alot to her and to me, too.

Thank you for anything you can do. Very much.

Sock It To Me!

2009-04-06T13:07:00.001-07:00

I received my socks from Chance last week!!

The box was cute! You can't see in this pic, but under the item comments she had drawn a pair of socks....Chance--did you do that IN THE POST OFFICE or did you just have the box already at home? Cause the thought of it while the mailman looked on cracks me up! :)

Here are my socks!! They are SO FREAKING SOFT and sooo comfy. Thank you, Chance!!

Ava was REALLY REALLY fond of them. She wanted them IN A BAD WAY. So of course, I let her try them on....

Maybe they're a little too large for her, you think? She was so excited to have on my socks though, it was cute.

Ethan watched the whole thing unfold. Actually I just feel bad leaving him out, but the truth is he had no interest in socks at all. Must be a girl thing! :)

Ok....as for the "assignment" of talking about how this community has helped me, and what you all mean to me....

Back in 2005 when I started blogging I was only 21 years old. I know! I was like World's Youngest Infertile! Probably not. But it FELT LIKE IT. And the community welcomed me and made me know that I wasn't alone! You guys have given me information, stood by me as I failed failed failed failed at every treatment known to man and had my first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage while everyone.else.got.pregnant in my real life. Literally. You were there as I "grew up" and into my infertile self. You were there when we decided to move on for adoption, and when we, at our post-treatment consult, decided to do the IVF thing "a few more times" and then you were there when we got matched AND PREGNANT the same week and had to tell our soon-to-be-daughter's bio family that we were pregnant and risk the match! Scary, scary! Then, of course, you were there for us when Ava was born in May 2007 and again when Ethan was born in December 2007. And now you have been there for me in the after--as I navigate life as a mom and as an open adopter. It's been the worst (hopefully) of times and the best of times, and I've grown to love so many of you. I know you'll continue to be there for me, too, and that's a great thing. You guys rock!! Happy Sock It To Me Week!! :D

MTv's True Life

2009-03-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

(This is a reworked excerpt from my private blog about the "I'm Placing My Baby For Adoption" episode that aired on MTv...)

I watched MTv's True Life "I'm Placing My Baby For Adoption" yesterday. It was hard at parts to see, lots of memories there. I couldn't imagine being baby Bella's adoptive parents...it would be so hard taking a baby that might-maybe-could-be yours for a night just so that the birthmother could "try it out" so to speak. I don't know if I could do that...though you never know till you're there, I guess, and you'll do a lot for a child, especially one you believe could become YOUR child. We spent a week in the NICU with our daughter before rights were relinquished (though the difference was it was a scheduling issue, and her birthfamily was clear with us that they were still planning on placing all throughout, and we were with them all throughout this time). I did enjoy the show, and thought it was honest in a refreshing way. A lot of shows about adoption are skewed so far against the birthparents (it seems to me) that it makes me feel sad. This show wasn't that way, and had examples of a LOT of different scenarios that can happen, even after match. It also did a good job focusing on the birthparents as the FIRST PARENTS.

I also rewatched the old 2003 episode, something like "I'm Adopted" that was on before it (on the re-aired Tuesday lineup at least). We had watched it as part of our adoption classes in, oh, what, 2006? It was hard to watch that first time in anticipation of going through those things, but it was just as hard if not harder to watch after having lived it. It had a woman who placed her child, too. The scenes where she signs over custody and hands the baby to the adoptive parents rip at me especially hard now. I think often of R, our daughter's bio mom, and what she might be feeling, and do talk to her about it some...and I know she doesn't regret her decision, but there's no denying that adoption is both happy and painful. Watching those shows, though, makes me more sure than ever that our open adoption is best for our daughter (and all of her moms and dads!). I would never want her to be the person who has an awkward reunion or unanswered questions, if I can help it. I have fears about her bio dad in that regard, but I know that WE have done all WE can for her and her bio siblings and if he disappears, we'll have done our part. I'm glad to be fostering the type of relationship that will hopefully keep her from being the person with too many hard questions and too much extra pain.

Sock-It-To-Me Exchange

2009-03-07T19:34:00.001-08:00

I'm in, are you? Sign up till tomorrow (Sunday, March 8)! Yes, it says March 6, but it lies. It's really till March 8. HURRY, GO! SIGN UP!!! Just click on the badge!

I. loooooove. socks! :)

23 Minutes in Hell-My Book Review Etc.

2009-01-26T21:07:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading "23 Minutes in Hell" by Bill Wiese. He says that he has been to Hell (if it was a literal going-to experience or a more VISION-type experience wasn't 100% clear to me, nor do I think it matters really) and describes it in great detail, along with citing Biblical references to back his experiences.

Now....I'm not really into such things (insert eye rolls here, because a lot of these more MARKETED books make me do just that, give me my trusty Bible, please), but my MIL brought the book to me yesterday asking me to read it and pass it around, or at least discuss it around (her boys--my husband and BIL--are not likely to read it, though Casey...word to you, your mother would like you to read this book, kthnxbai? And it's short. And she wants me to tell you to read it, but hey, I'm going to discuss here, so, there you go? It's more than your brother will probably listen to. lol).

Have any of you read it? It WAS interesting. But I found it to A) not tell me a lot that I was either questioning or needing to know...I feel confident in my trust in Jesus as my savior, though I'm rather unworthy, and I believe in a literal Hell, so I needed no convincing...and B) be rather redundant almost to the point of frustration. I appreciate that it was catering to not just those who have read and believe, but those who are just curious about Hell and have no Biblical/Christian background whatsoever. As well it should have been, otherwise, EPIC FAIL.

The actual description of his 23 minutes in Hell was quite short. Most of the book was much more...Q and A type reading...more the type of thing you might expect at a Bible study or in Sunday School.

Here, though, is what I do want to share. Because I don't know that I've shared it (I'm a bit of a pansy, a real weakness, I admit it, though on the flipside of that I don't believe that you win souls for the Lord by beating on those who know already or being heavy-handed about your faith) before on this blog. While I respect, of course, others' beliefs, and don't believe in harping...I do believe that Hell is real. And I know that Jesus will save me, and He can/will save YOU, too.

And that, my friends in blogland, is something worth sharing. Because I do want it for you.

AND if you want to discuss--not flame, fight, or argue--let's discuss this stuff in the comments. Or email me. Whatever. I'd especially be interested to know if anyone else has impressions of this book.

The Creme, 2008

2008-11-18T21:24:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I Want to Be Normal

I don't know how to post this without making those of you still waiting for your families hate me. I sort of need to talk about it, though, so here goes...

I want to be normal. I just don't know how. And it's sort of terrifying me that the truth might be that I can't be normal. That this is normal now.

I want to move on. I know that I have it good. That these kids are the shiznit. I KNOW IT. I KNOW IT. I'm HAPPY with these kids and I love these kids and a TON of the time I'm sooo happy with my life and just can't believe how lucky we are. I didn't care about a lot of the things I hear people caring about. I thought we would have trouble conceiving, so there was no big trauma there with finding out. I didn't particularly care that we never conceived in our bedroom. I didn't really care that we had to use doctors and I didn't really care about the money. Sharing my daughter with her birthfamily or seeing other people in her has made me only happy. I don't particularly care that I have stretch marks and flab from the pregnancy with my son. None of that really matters much because I have them.

But what matters to me is that I'm fucked up from it and don't know why or how to stop it. I want to be normal and go on with my life. I don't want to be a bitter infertile bitch who begrudges people their happiness or innocence. I don't know why I AM that person because frankly, I won the lottery last year and should be able to just MOVE ON and enjoy life from here on out.

I realized it yesterday when Mom and I were trying to put together the program for the Mother Daughter Tea. We were picking songs and talking about readings and I thought, "Dear Lord, I HATE THIS. I HATE IT. I HATE Mother's Day." It was like I didn't have kids. It really feels like I'm still struggling with infertility. Why? WHY? I'm a mother. I worked hard to get here and I know I deserve to enjoy it. What is it about a few songs and readings that makes me bristle? Why can't I enjoy it like a normal person would?

And then my best friend....is talking about trying to get pregnant again. They have one boy, about a year and a half old. And are talking about another in a year or so. She's so sure that it'll happen easy and it probably will. She says things like, "Ugh, what if it's a girl?" and "When we get pregnant again" and "I hope it doesn't take as long this time." (It took like 6 months last time.) It rubs me wrong. I mentioned that around that time we might likely try the FET we have left and she was all, "Oh great, we can be pregnant together finally."

Well, I don't know if she FORGOT THE LAST THREE YEARS or what because I was trying before her and that "oooh, we'll be pregnant together thing" didn't work out then, either. I want to say, you know, that the FET doesn't really mean anything anyway. And it irks me. That it's so EASY for other people when it was hard for us. That they can plan their kids at nice convenient intervals. That they can plan it all at all. That they see two lines and enjoy the rest of their pregnancy. That the things they take for granted are the things I have fallen on my knees begging God for...the things I can't stop thinking about how LUCKY and THANKFUL I am for...instead of just having it be a part of my life like everyone else views it. I'm happy to know what a blessing these kids are, but part of me wishes that I wasn't so keenly aware of that, because being so thankful came hand in hand with such struggle and therefore in my mind the two are linked. The joy is stuck to the pain and they can't be taken apart.

It scares me that I'm already afraid. It worries me that I still roll my eyes at pregnant women, that I still am scared that I might not ever get pregnant again. It pisses me off that I can be anything but happy for my friend deciding that she might have another baby. I'm not happy. I'm afraid of what it'll all make ME feel. I don't even know if we want more kids, but I wish I could be pregnant again and enjoy it if that's what we want and I'm afraid that if she gets pregnant I WILL want it and then WHAT IF WE CAN'T HAVE IT? How selfish and awful is that? That I'm upset over choice. Just a choice. Even if I would get pregnant, I won't enjoy it. I can't enjoy it because it's TOO PRECIOUS to me and I know it can all be taken away. And I hate that I feel any of that, that I can't just move the heck on with it and get over it. I'm tired of worrying about family building but I think that it might just be that way forever, because I fear my perspective is changed in ways that won't change back.

I'm fiercely proud that we are infertile. That the road was hard, and that these kids are so.wanted. SO VERY wanted. But once in a while I just wish I could be normal like everyone else and not bitter. I don't want to begrudge people anything and I do. I want to be a better person and not THIS person. I know that everyone has their things in life, and I guess I should be thankful that things worked out, but dang...I just wish it was easier and simpler, you know?

Virtual World Tour 2008

2008-10-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

For this year's virtual world tour, I'm giving you a tour of my home!!

Babies and baby stuff is pretty much unavoidable, so if you don't want to see, don't click...I won't be offended. But if you can handle that, I have lots to show you!!

Click here to come on in!

Enjoy my corner of the world? Check out what others have to show at the Virtual World Tour 2008 homepage!

Roundup Time!

2008-07-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

...And Life Afterwards

This whole thing is so strange. So wonderfully strange.

I read your blogs and sometimes I'm happy with you. Sometimes I'm sad with you. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I honestly do cry. I hope, but I remember the problem with hope.

I know that my blog maybe seems outdated. The title seems meaningless. The Problem With Hope? With a pregnancy and new baby? Puh-lease, you all must be saying. Today I sat here thinking about a post and I looked at the title. It's a title I hold so dear. But I am living in "life afterwards." I have left behind so many wonderful women (and men)....and each of you who are there still deserve this as much (or more) than I do. I'm just one of the lucky ones right now.

The truth is that I am infertile. Or my husband and I are. SOMEONE is, or we just are together. Hard to say since nothing is "wrong" with us. But we still are. Infertile. I still feel like it's part of who I am. Not WHO I am, but PART. And as you know, it sucks. But in the end, the payoff is so beautiful.

Every day I am amazed by our baby girl. She is ours. Someone else carried her and she is also theirs, but she is our daughter, too. We are her parents. It's so surreal. She smiles for us, coos at us, and we comfort her. If we hadn't been infertile, if this had come easily, we wouldn't have Ava.

I am grateful to be pregnant. I can barely believe that I am, that I could ever give birth, that things could ever work out, but things seem to be working out. Monday is our 20-week "big" ultrasound and I'm hopeful that things still look wonderful. I can almost imagine things being ok now, but not JUST yet. I still have an infertile heart, I guess, and hate to hope.

Life Afterwards is so strange. I am 110% thankful to get to even say that. I know that adoption isn't simple and there is a lifetime of questions to be answered and hurdles to cross. I know that things will be hard with two babies. I know that when/if we want to try again, things could be hard again. I know that infertility doesn't go away, and it breeds fear and distrust of one's body. But I also know that infertility isn't everything and that really, truly, my three years lost is nothing. I don't think I learned a magic lesson or that there was necessarily some great plan, but in the end, I'm thankful for what I have, for what God has given me, infertility or no.

I want so badly for those of you who are still in "life before" to have this. It's worth it, it really is. I promise. And when it's over, even if it's a long time, it will be ok. Not gone, but ok.

Mel's Show and Tell...Kam's Spot

2008-06-29T20:03:00.001-07:00

It's time for another....

This week I'm sharing a place that's special to me. The little marker in our flower beds that represents our baby that we lost in 2006 to an early miscarriage (Kam). Normally I'm not super into this sort of gushy sentimental thing, but Kam was our first baby, after all. Our first and very hard-won pregnancy. And it was definitely heart breaking to lose him, so that spring we bought a little marker for the flowerbed to remind us not only of the lost baby, but also that we needed to keep up the hope that it was possible to get pregnant.

The first marker was a little bee, but that gave way to rust and this spring we got a little butterfly marker with a small gazing ball. It's right to the left of our front door.

The gazing ball is supposed to catch the sun and glow at night, but I haven't seen such a thing happen yet. Perhaps it's not sunny enough during the day in that spot. :)

Isn't the gazing ball pretty anyway, though?

Check out more Show and Tell's by clicking HERE!

Mel's Show and Tell...The Zoo

2008-06-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Travis and I took the kids to the zoo, and it was BOTH their first times.

In 2005, for our first anniversary, one of the things we did was go to the zoo (We're zoo people, ok? We might have been the only 20-somethings without kids there, but that was cool with us! ...Well, it wasn't cool that we had no kids, but the point is that we were secure in our zoo-going.). Until today I think that was the last time we were there. In July 2005, we had been trying to get pregnant for just shy of one year. I was 21 and Travis was 22.

Yesterday we were back with the kids, and it was good to be back!

On the way we talked about how thankful we were for Ava and Ethan. How lucky we are. How glad that this time we were visiting the zoo with our kids instead of alone this time.

It even rained on us, and the day was still great! Ava, especially, loved all the animals. Ethan was pretty interested in everything, though, too. He stayed awake and sitting up the entire time we were at the zoo!

Ava was pretty impressed with the ponies. Look at her point! hahaha!!

Ethan concentrates on...something. Who knows what!

Ava and Ethan with a lizard statue.

Ava trying to get a closer look at the penguins. That's my girl!! The penguins have always been a personal favorite of mine.

Of all things, Ava really liked the baby calf. I think it was that it was so close and low where she could see better. But man, Ava...we live in OHIO. There are A LOT of farms around. Cows...not so notable. lol!

Have Nuk, will travel. Ethan was a sport all day long.

In some ways, infertility has made me a better person. Sure, in lots of ways infertility has taken from us, but one of the major ways it's given back is to help us truly appreciate how great a gift our babies are. :)

Mel's Show and Tell...My Willow Tree Collection (Well, Part of It)

2008-06-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

Today I want to share with you a part of my Willow Tree collection. I'm not sure how I got started collecting them....I think my parents might have given me my first, but over the years I've collected quite a few and most of them are meaningful in some way.

I keep most of them in the living room, and MOST of them are in the nooks and crannies of the entertainment center....right where I always see them.

On the right side is With Affection. In the middle after Ava's picture is the Willow Tree adoption-themed figure, Child of My Heart. The picture of us is at Hilton Head Island, and the Thinking of You angel beside it reminds me of the beach there, which is one of my favorite places. It's also the same angel I gave to Ava's birth mom when we met her for the first time.

On the left side I have the Angel of Happiness, Ethan's picture, and Bright Star. Also, the pregnant Willow Tree, which Travis gave me towards the end of my pregnancy with Ethan, Cherish.

There is a shelf below that, and on it is Remember. It's sort of a sad little figure, but it's meaningful and beautiful.

In the middle is where I keep most of my very favorites.

On the middle left is a picture of Ava and Ethan. To the left of it is the Angel of Wonder, and I think it's really fitting because of our journey and all the twists and turns that brought our babies to us both at once. Angel of Mine, holding a baby, is beside that.

We lost our first pregnancy, as some of you might know, and we called that baby Kam....on Kam's edd, Travis gave me these three "from Kam"...called Three Blessings, and they're the blessings of joy, love, and peace.

On the right side of the center part of the entertainment center is the Angel of Remembrance. I think of everything we went through to get the babies here when I see this one, and also of Kam. Also on there is Our Gift.

In the very center is my favorite...Hope. I picked this little one up not long after we lost the first pregnancy and it helped to remind me that there really was hope.

For this.

Want more Show and Tell? Go visit Mel here and read along!!

Mel's Show and Tell...It's 80's Night, Oh What a Night

2008-06-07T19:59:00.001-07:00

It's my first time with Mel's Show and Tell!!

I want to share what we did tonight...

We went to an 80's party at Joelle's sister's house!

I had a Run DMC tank top and crimped my hair. Travis had a Mario shirt....Ava wore her GrAnimals outfit with a ponytail to the side and Ethan wore overalls with one side undone.

Joelle was Peggy Bundy, her sister June was Madonna ala Like a Virgin. Brady and June's two boys were the Tri Lams from Revenge of the Nerds. June's little girl was a Solid Gold Dancer. We also were joined by Michael Jackson (Joelle's brother-in-law, Lenny)!

It was a good time. And oh so funny!!

And if you ever need a pic to blackmail me with...this is the one!

More 80's pics from the party can be seen if you click here. :)

Dear Body

2008-02-29T12:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Body,

There's so much I could say to you. We've been through a lot together...good times and bad times. You've made me mad sometimes (you've even failed me once or twice) but you've also made my dreams come true, too.

Lots of people say that you know who your friends are by who sticks by you in your time of need. The last three years have been the crisis that defined our relationship. Before that I was aware of you...but really? Not TOO aware. I mean, you and I got along great...you enjoyed the food I gave you and in turn kept healthy and strong. We had a picture perfect relationship and I really enjoyed having you as my body.

As we started down the path of trying to conceive together in September 2004, I was hopeful. Sure, I knew that we might have trouble, but I expected you to pull through for me without TOO much hassle. When, by November 2005, we were still not pregnant, I was getting a little irked with you, but we went to see a reproductive endocrinologist. "Ok, fine, Body," I thought, "you just need a kick start. No problem. We'll get this done with a medicated IUI or two and we can be on our merry way." You did well, Body, and all the tests came back with good results. Nothing was wrong with you, and I was again hopeful.

When we got pregnant on a medicated cycle in early 2006, I was so excited! I figured we'd overcome whatever problem you were having and that perhaps it was finally my turn to go through a pregnancy with you. I thought we'd solved our differences and were moving on. But Body, you really let me down. Shortly after finding out we were pregnant, I found out you were rejecting our baby. That's something I've forgiven you for...but for a long time after, I was angry. You were in PERFECT SHAPE, Body. How could you? What more did you want?

After all, we'd been at the trying to get pregnant thing a long time and you always were the example of excellence. Beautiful, open tubes. Gorgeous ovaries. Strong and appropriate responses to medication with wonderful follicles every time! Tons of eggs...perfect embryos! And yet, Body, you kept blocking our every attempt. After an IVF and FET we gave up on you and moved on to adoption. We just couldn't reason with you anymore. You were just too stubborn, and even in your perfection you would not allow us to have that baby we were dreaming about.

In early 2007 at a follow up appointment with the endocrinologist, we decided to give you one more shot. In April, on Easter morning, we found out we were again pregnant. Funny thing is, that same week we were matched with our daughter's birthparents. Ha, ha Body. Very funny! Of all the ironic things you could have done!! Since you were always the jokester, I worried that you were up to some sort of trick, and I worried you'd let me down again AND cause our match to fall through. To our surprise, our daughter's birthparents were ok with your funny games, and we went along with your "pregnancy." I doubted your ability through the whole nine months and worried the ENTIRE time, checking daily for the signs of the end, but none came.

None came because this time, Body, you did the most wonderful thing. You grew our son. You were there with me, finally allowing our baby to thrive. Finally allowing us to feel a kicking foot. Finally, in December 2007, allowing the birth of our second child...the first one you and I created together. And it was an easy birth, as births go (even though you rejected the epidural...another funny trick!), so thank you for that. And for all the doubting I did--I'm sorry. I think you can understand why I couldn't trust you, but then again, I should have been able to get past your past mistakes, too. What you did for us was a wonderful thing, even if your timing WAS rather ironic. Two kids in 7 months. Crazy Body...what were you thinking? I know I complain sometimes, but the truth is I'm glad you pulled this one, Body. All the work is definitely worth it.

So Body...here's the thing. I love you. I know we've had a rocky past, but I think we can put it behind us. Will the scars always be there? Sure. But so will the beauty of what we went through together. I don't care about the stretch marks or the little pooch, Body....all I care about is that you gave our family another child. For that, I want to say thank you. Thank you so much.

Next time, though...IF THERE IS a next time...let's make it a little easier, ok? I hate to fight.

Love,

Jessica

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Read more about the "Letter To My Body" project here. And if you have a minute, join us!!

For Sylvia, Claire, and Lucy

2008-02-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

Mary Ellen and Steve, you have my husband's and my deepest sympathies and heartfelt prayers. I desperately wish this wasn't so.

Everyone else...please join me in adding these candles to a post or in your sidebar so that we can show support for ME and Steve when they're able to get back to the blog world at home. I figure that at first they might be overwhelmed with reading all the messages of support we left, but this will be an easy reminder that we are all here for them and remember their girls. Email me at jpond_24@yahoo.com or copy and paste to add the candles to your blog or sidebar.

For The Stirrup-Queens' 2007 Creme List

2007-12-21T12:08:00.001-08:00

Friday, December 21, 2007
To Last Year's Me (And to You, Too)

This time last year there was considerably less joy. We'd just become a waiting family, and were assuming the adoption process would take a while. We were taking a break from treatments with the intent to see what Dr C reccomended to do, if anything, in the new year. My body was messed up from all the drugs that 5 medicated IUI's, a fresh IVF, and an FET entail. We were thinking that we probably would not do any more IVF's, at least with our own egg and sperm.

It's so STRANGE. I remember last year and the holidays. At my grandparents' house, there were three babies of cousins that were celebrating their first Christmas. At his, there was one, too. And lots of other kids. We had just celebrated Christmas with our best friends-our much loved godson's first. All those kids, twelve in all. Born since we started trying, mostly. I was thinking that I could.not.do.this.holiday.

I remember speculating that probably there would be no baby this year, but still hoping that perhaps we would at least be MATCHED in 2007. Maybe if we were LUCKY. I was looking back at a couple of hard years, and that year in particular had been the hardest with the miscarriage and failed IVF and FET. Not to mention the other treatments that didn't work that year. An atrocious amount of money, down the drain. We were at the end of our rope (our rope is short, apparently, compared to a lot of you)...we really couldn't take much more, treatment-wise. Financially or emotionally.

Who would have thought that by Mother's Day we would be in the hospital with R in labor with A, and also be 9 weeks pregnant?

It's a miracle, guys. It really is. (And often I feel like it's a miracle we don't really deserve.) It's strange, the way things happen. Goofing off and reading that brochure for the shared risk program at our follow-up, we realized that maybe we COULD get into it even though we had a failed IVF and FET. And even though the first few situations we were shown for had yielded no results, A's birthfamily was already thinking about adoption.

Things do change. I never could have imagined this last year. At that point, in my wildest dreams I might have hoped for one baby by Christmas 2007. And there would be two.

That's what I wish I could tell last year's me...and that's my promise to you guys still trying and hoping (or trying to hope)-Things do change. Things CAN change. You never know how or when, but if you hang around long enough, SOMETHING will change. I know we were lucky, I know the adoption was quick and what we endured IF-wise was relatively small, but really...2008 is a new year, and you just never know.

The Hyperlinked Post in the Creme Post Above

2007-12-02T15:13:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, December 20, 2006
All I Want for Christmas Part 3

Today we got our third card from the cousins....the last of the cute “baby's first Christmas” cards from my family. We also have two others...one from friends and one from his family. All those babies? We'd been brokenhearted at least a year before any of them were conceived.

The other day was Brady's five-month birthday. I remember when my best friend found out she was pregnant....I think I'd just started injectibles.

I looked up last year's New Year's post on my other blog. I wanted 2006 to bring a baby. Or at least be easier. That worked out. Ha.

I saw a friend from an old church group....a group in which I remembered her as not wanting kids, as another couple had just gotten pg by surprise. (I was so jealous.) She was holding her three-week-old (surprise) daughter and I was the only woman in the room without a baby.

This is the third Christmas that we've hoped for a miracle and not cared if we got one thing in the coming year other than a baby.

I'm feeling really...left behind. I feel like everyone else's lives are continuing to move on and their families are growing and their babies are doing this and that, and we're STUCK. And we've been stuck for what seems like forever. And 2 1/2 years doesn't sound SO long until you start thinking about all the babies born to parents who thought we were crazy for wanting to get pregnant....that are now celebrating half-year marks.

This time last year I was about to get pregnant. We were so hopeful that soon we'd conceive. And we did. Only our only pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Our only biological child died. Now we might maybe get pregnant someday, but it likely won't be with “our“ child in the traditional sense. There probably will never be “Mom's eyes“ AND “Dad's nose“ at the very least. Donor sperm. Donor egg. Donor embryo....and do we even want that?

And I feel like...there's no way any mother will give us her baby. We're too young. We look too good on paper, she'll think we're lying or BSing. We're too lengthy in our letter, or maybe not detailed enough. I feel like it'll really never happen. Or rather, that it will, but it'll take years. And that thought is just TOO much. The thought of THIS Christmas is almost too much, let alone the thought of NEXT Christmas without a child.

I always wanted a big family. I was an only child and despised the idea of having an only myself. And now...I'd settle for any child! But who will give their baby to a pair of kids like us?

I feel tired. Beat. At the end of our rope, and out of options. We only have adoption left, and while I'm excited about it, it really could take years. And the thought of that...it's just too much after all this. I know that this too shall pass, we'll have the child we're meant to have, or whatever you want to say...but when? One more Christmas? Two? Three?

My Neck Of The Woods: Northwest Ohio, Middle of Nowhere

2007-07-15T19:48:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone!! I'm Jessica, from The Problem With Hope. I wanted to make a blog for the World Tour so that it didn't have to be private and everyone could view my corner of the world.

So....we live in rural northwest Ohio. REALLLLLY close to Indiana. As in, we take a walk and we walk TO Indiana. Which means that A)My area is really boring, B)It's a great place to live, mostly because it's boring and I love the county, and C)We have lots of corn, Amish, and, well, frankly, more corn.

Right now we've had a dry spell, so things look brown a lot. My flowerbeds are pathetic, so ignore them. I wasn't able to get the pics of the Amish houses and some other places I wanted because we've had a CRAZY week, but I got enough to make you cry tears of boredom, I think.

We live on 1 and a half acres adjoining my parents' 2 acres. We live in the kind of place where it's safe to do anything. Nearby is a strip of road with a couple churches, our insurance agency, and a bar. I KID YOU NOT, sometimes there are certain Amish who go to the bar and get wild enough to dance on the pool table. And you can always get them to try to hustle you in a game of pool. Seriously. Dancing Amish. I wouldn't lie to you.

The nearest town with a school is 15 minutes away (population approximately 2000), nearest with a grocery store is 20 minutes away (population about 14000) and the nearest town with a mall (and an RE, though we have to go another couple hours to Indianapolis for things like IVF retrieval and transfer because they are at the main office) is an hour away (population, whatever. I don't know. I wouldn't even want to GUESS). Some people think that's nuts, but we love it. Really, we do. Our church is the white-frame variety and our nearest town that has the grocery store just got crosswalk signs. Yep. We're that small. :)

Without further ado....here are some pics!!

This is our house. We built it shortly before we were married in 2004. Yes, the yard is really that brown. We've only mowed like twice this summer it's been so dry.

We're having an issue with some barn swallows. Sigh. They're in the eave of the stoop you can see in the first picture of the house. It sucks, because it's the front door and they are pooping all.over.the.place., but they're almost old enough to fly so I told Travis to let it go till after that. Besides, the cat really enjoys wagging her tail and clicking at them from inside. But barn swallows. On my stoop. The bastards! :)

The back of our house, with the deck. I want a pool to go in the yard there, but you know...babies cost lots of money as it turns out. We're spent after the IVF and adoption for a little while. You can also see more evidence that our grass is both new and dead. hahaha

This is the right corner of our deck from the picture above. It's the corner coming off our bedroom and has the hot tub sunk into it. We used to use it a lot, before, you know, we were infertile. And now more recently, before we were pregnant and had a newborn. And before we were, well, just too darn busy. We keep saying we're going to drain it instead of heating it for no apparent reason, at least till I have the other baby, but we never have time for that either. You can also see, as a bonus in this pic, the corn bordering our yard. Corn. Yay!

Looking off the other side of the deck, you can see my parents' yard. Their barn is home to our three boxers. You can see my old tree house in the catalpa trees at right, along with the hammock. And at left you can see the fire ring. Exciting stuff, I tell you.

Look! More CORN! This is the northwest corner of our yard (which has only clover still growing in it. Seriously, we need rain). But you can see the corn, the fact that there are NO PEOPLE AROUND (hahaha!) and the fact that you really can't see in any one direction very far without seeing woods, which I love. Also, as a side note, I guess I DID get those Amish in a little...the three groups of houses/barns in the distance? All Amish.

Before you think, "Hey, all this chick has is some corn...how BORING" I want to assure you, we also have BEANS. This one is on the way to Ft. Wayne, Indiana.

And wheat. This is one of the wheat after it's been taken off. I REALLY wanted to get into Indiana and get a pic of the Amish doing their wheat into piles like it was the 1800's again, but no time. Sorry. You'll have to take my word on those Amish.

You know that town I assured you had the grocery store (HEY, AND a Walmart, I'll
have you know. AND pretty soon a Menard's. Yeah, contain your enthusiasm)?? It's also home to our favorite Italian restaurant EVER. The place Travis took me before he proposed. This is it...Bella's. We took this picture on our anniversary last week.

Bella's is on the lake. I think it's like the biggest man-made lake in Ohio or something like that. Anyway, it smells. But whatever. I'm not getting in it any time soon. But it DOES make for a nice dinner, looking out at it. This picture is in the parking lot of Bella's.

And as a finisher...the best part of my world tour...our endocrinologist's office!! We went to Ft Wayne (that's the town that's an hour away but has a mall) for dinner on our anniversary and even though Travis whined and whined and insisted that it was a stupid thing to do, I convinced him to stop by to take a pic. It's after hours, obviously, since no one is there, but that's it. The RE's office. And yeah, my in all my glorious pregnant fatness. I think I'll use this in the baby's baby book. It's classic. :)

Anyway, like I said, this is the condensed version of my area....with less Amish, corn, and no pic of our insurance agency or the church or anything like that. Take my word for it, it's all as boring as this!

Can't wait to read all your tours and see the pics!! Lovely lovely LOVELY idea, Merri-Ann!!