I've been slacking lately on the Open Adoption Roundtables but this is the perfect prompt to get back into the game because I'm passionate about it, AND it's simple (well, it's "simple"): Write about siblings and open adoption.
First, let's start with the children living under my roof. One adopted daughter, one (IVF) bio son, 6.5 months apart. For us, so far, there have been no issues with bio v. adopted (us or the kids). The kids don't know any real difference yet, and we're doing our darndest to make it their normal and have them own their own unique stories (emphasizing the way our son was conceived in order to give them both "special" stories) that I hope it will mostly remain a non-issue. I can tell you we won't be tolerating crap from anyone about anyone else! :) It's warmed my heart to see how much our BIO child loves our adopted child's bio fami
ly....recently he questioned if they were his family, TOO, and I was happy to be able to tell him that yeah, they are, even though Ava's other mama isn't your mama too, they're ALL of our family, because they're Ava's family. It makes me so proud to see the love they both have for her bio family, and I love seeing our son just as happy to see them as our daughter is (maybe more, since he can play with her brother and have boy time!).
We did make the decision to not adopt again (at this time at least) ironically due to the fact that our adoption is so great. There was fear that another adopted child may not have the wonderful contact that we are blessed with....and that was a hard thing for us to invite into our family dynamic. Also, we have so much contact with our daughter's family that the thought of another family as great as them as far as contact is concerned may be just too MUCH for us to take on. If we were to do it, we wanted to be able to hope for another great situation, and we felt like we were hoping for something that would cost time for EVERYONE in the end. Maybe one day, but for now we opted for conception again also to try to give our bio son the bio con
nection we are blessed to see our daughter enjoy with her (maternal) brother, and are pregnant via IVF once more. In some ways, it's just "cool" to be able to see yourself (physically and emotionally) in another human being, and we know this because of our daughter and HER bio family....and for that aspect along with others (possible medical consequences of not having bio sibling, the added bio family, etc) we did decide on pregnancy again, so our son can also have a bio connection. My hope is that our children can ALL enjoy both the adopted sibling connection and the bio sibling connection, because both are unique and fabulous! It's ridiculous to me to hear people say they "forget" a child is adopted. Who wants to forget? My child is adopted, and I love that about her, and I hope she loves that about herself. Just like I hope that my son loves the uniqueness of being an IVF baby.
I love, love, LOVE the contact we have with our daughter's maternal family and her other mother's son. Seeing the two of them together has got to be one of THE most rewarding aspects of parenting. Honestly, I enjoy it SO much. I love seeing the similarities between them (and her other bio family members) and how close their voices sound. I like to watch them play together and realize how alike their personal
ities are (sassy little daredevils, they are!). I love how fond they are of each other, how they always make sure to hug each other before the visit ends, and how they work out their relationship (even as young as they are) in their own ways. It's been a surprise to me, in a good way, to realize that I enjoy finding ways our daughter is connected to her genetics every single bit as much as I enjoy trying to see whose eyes or coloring our son has from our bio family.
I do not love that we do not have much (any? close.) paternal bio family contact. Our daughter has two additional brothers (think grade school) and a sister ( who is a teenager, and oh man, this one kills me, a SISTER!) who we do not see. Actually, the sister does not know that our daughter is her father's child, though by the questions I've been told she asked, she probably figures it. I know where to find everyone, and sister doesn't live with bio dad....and I want so badly to contact her. One day, IF our daughter wants and sister is over 18 (which is not long) it's likely we DO contact her. The thing that has kept m
e from doing so thus far is that I know bio dad (who we barely have contact with now, but barely is not "none," either) would prefer we do not. For now, that's enough for me. I do feel fortunate to be able to keep a bit of a handle on everyone, though.
It's sad for me to see with the brother we have contact with HOW WONDERFUL it can be...and know that she and the other siblings are missing out on that. But I know we are still extremely lucky and blessed. I know that we have much more than many families have. In the end, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do, after all, and right now, bio dad just does not want...and for now...it's his call. Perhaps not forever, but for now it is. And for now, we count our many blessings, because they are certainly many. Our daughter and her fam
ily may have been anyone's daughter, anyone's family...but thank the Good Lord in Heaven....we can call them all our own.
Proof (from Sunday afternoon) that the open adoption thing rocks our socks in this house:
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