Open Adoption Roundtable #24: Open Adoption in the Media

The OAR is a series of writing prompts on open adoption, hosted by Heather at Production, Not Reproduction.

This time the prompt focuses on how open adoption is seen by the media:

How have you seen open adoption portrayed on television? What did you think? What, if anything, would you like to see?

Most of what I've seen of open adoption on TV has been either shows on TLC or Teen Mom/16 and Pregnant on MTV.

As far as TLC is concerned, the whole process seems awfully airbrushed to me....happy! happy! happy! Even if they show some sadness, it's mostly "...But it's so great! They get a baby! Birthfamily gets letters!" I often am left wondering if that's really how their "really open" adoption is being carried out or what TLC is editing it to seem.

There was a lot I liked/like about "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom." I watch it regularly-in fact, it's on my DVR. I enjoyed the realness of the way the emotions of Catelynn and Tyler were portrayed (which is an overall thing I like about the show....it seems to be a lot less edited in emotion than some of the other documentaries I've seen on pregnancy and adoption both. In fact, recently I've been refreshed to see the struggles of Leah and Corey as they find one of their twins has some medical issues--something I think is glossed over in general: the fact that twin pregnancies are not all "cute matching booties."). There were several things that I found odd with Catelynn and Tyler's situation, though....the fact that they didn't even know Carly's last name was odd to me, the lack of real contact when there seemed to be no real reason not to have more contact, etc. However, I tried to remind myself that of course we didn't know the whole story, that their parents had some (seemingly) major issues that perhaps we didn't know information about, and that every open adoption is different. I raised my eyebrows at some of the things shown, but again...every agency/situation/adoptive couple/birthfamily is different, editing, etc. The feedback overall that I saw (not a lot, I admit, just on a few blogs and message boards) was positive if not a little naive about open adoption and the whole thing.

A while back there were some other shows, maybe of the "True Life" series on MTV, I think, that showed some open adoptions that I enjoyed. They were greatly varied...some were birthfamilies and they struggled with placement before and after, some were adoptees who were trying to find their birthparents, etc. I also thought they were more "real" than others I've seen. As real as reality TV can be, at least.

I think I'd like to just see MORE of open adoption, along with it portrayed in a real way. We see enough of the "baby goes home with adoptive family, they all claim happiness" but not as much of the WHOLE thing. I'd like to see more of the reality of adoption preparation/placement/early stages of open adoption, but I can see the pitfalls (added pressure on all sides, esp on birthfamily to place, which no one should want!....exploitation of all parties.). I'd also like to see a bigger variety of OPEN open adoptions. It seems that the media believes a REALLY open adoption to be like that in Carly's situation...which to me doesn't seem like a very open adoption at all! I'd like to see couples talking about how great it is to integrate their child's family into THEIR family...but I'd also be ok with seeing people talk about how their child's adoptive family or birthfamily isn't there as much as they want...and their thoughts on that. I'd even like to see real-ness in relation to the fact that there are GOING to be struggles within any relationship, including open adoption relationships...however, that one seems like perhaps not a great idea for TV unless all parties were extremely open and involved in the project, and maybe even so better to be a "in retrospect" type of thing. Complicating matters in those type of situations just seems like dicking too much with everyone's life in a dangerous changes-the-outcome-possibly type of way.

Open adoption is so BROAD a spectrum, and it seems as if the media doesn't care to take the time to cover that reality. Or perhaps people are unwilling to let the media so close to a topic so important and often tenuous.

I'm sure, though, that there are a lot of "reality" shows that focus on different subjects, in which those affected by that particular thing would say the same. After all, it is only TV, and it does HAVE to be edited to fit nicely into a time block....and to maintain ratings, often through relatability and what the public wants to see.

Open Adoption Round Table #21 The Holidays!!

The Open Adoption Round Table is a series of prompts to get us writing about open adoption and the way it plays out in our lives. Heather at Production, Not Reproduction hosts it and you can find more about the whole thing, including the entries, here.

This Round Table's prompt is....

How do open adoption and holiday traditions intersect in your life?

The Thanksgiving/Christmas season is BY FAR one of my favorite times of the year, if not my VERY favorite. We are religious people and on those levels everything about Christmas is wonderful. Also, we are close to our families, so it's an enjoyable time of year for those reasons. Plus...who doesn't like eating and gifts? You'd have to be crazy! :)

For Thanksgiving, it's become our tradition not only to get together with our families, but to also host a Thanksgiving meal here for some of Ava's other mom, R's family. I was pretty young when we had the kids (sure, I was in my early 20's, but I was young enough and newly married enough that I wasn't accustomed to, say, cooking a huge meal, turkey included) and with the help of my mom, grandma, and daughter's family, I can now say I can cook a whole Thanksgiving meal AND carve the turkey (something that until this very year, R had always done because I was "afraid" to mess it up! But this year they were running late! lol). We've laughed a lot about how I've learned so much through this tradition and it makes me smile to think that without them in my life, I'd likely still not be cooking a turkey and making a huge meal each year. It makes me happy to prepare it for them and have them enjoy it and I hope in the future it will make our child happy to help in the preparation.

And apart from that, it's ALWAYS fun at the Thanksgiving get-together because we eat eat eat and then...we go and have our family portraits taken!! I'm a bit of a picture freak, so I LOVE adding this to our tradition. I also enjoy being able to get pictures of our daughter and her bio family to put in our home alongside our family pictures. Usually I give the session and whatever pics they want to order to them for Christmas and it always makes me smile to see the Christmas card that R sends out--my daughter's "other" family, her included, because while she is obviously also on OUR Christmas card, there's something right about the way she BELONGS on both cards...in both sets of portraits. And how in one set, the families overlap. Because my bio family is somewhat small and my paternal grandparents have been gone a long while now, it has been a blessing to add in number to MY FAMILY, too.

For Christmas we do something similar, though normally we swap hosting duties! This year R is inviting ALL Of her sisters and their families, along with her dad (her mother is deceased) to her house for a big family Christmas! I am EXTREMELY excited about this because I've only ever met the whole bunch once at a birthday party for R and her dad. I like any opportunity for my daughter to get together with her other cousins and see her aunts and uncles because it doesn't happen often. Hopefully this becomes a yearly thing!

When we have our Christmas get-together, we do a small gift exchange, mostly for the kids, and we also celebrate our sons' birthdays since both they both have December birthdays. I really appreciate that R includes our son so much, in the gift exchanges and on the cake, etc. It cements to me that she feels the same way about us as we feel about her.

And now that I wrote it all out, I'm REALLY looking forward to it all! :D

Open Adoption Round Table #20: Siblings

I've been slacking lately on the Open Adoption Roundtables but this is the perfect prompt to get back into the game because I'm passionate about it, AND it's simple (well, it's "simple"): Write about siblings and open adoption.

First, let's start with the children living under my roof. One adopted daughter, one (IVF) bio son, 6.5 months apart. For us, so far, there have been no issues with bio v. adopted (us or the kids). The kids don't know any real difference yet, and we're doing our darndest to make it their normal and have them own their own unique stories (emphasizing the way our son was conceived in order to give them both "special" stories) that I hope it will mostly remain a non-issue. I can tell you we won't be tolerating crap from anyone about anyone else! :) It's warmed my heart to see how much our BIO child loves our adopted child's bio fami

ly....recently he questioned if they were his family, TOO, and I was happy to be able to tell him that yeah, they are, even though Ava's other mama isn't your mama too, they're ALL of our family, because they're Ava's family. It makes me so proud to see the love they both have for her bio family, and I love seeing our son just as happy to see them as our daughter is (maybe more, since he can play with her brother and have boy time!).

We did make the decision to not adopt again (at this time at least) ironically due to the fact that our adoption is so great. There was fear that another adopted child may not have the wonderful contact that we are blessed with....and that was a hard thing for us to invite into our family dynamic. Also, we have so much contact with our daughter's family that the thought of another family as great as them as far as contact is concerned may be just too MUCH for us to take on. If we were to do it, we wanted to be able to hope for another great situation, and we felt like we were hoping for something that would cost time for EVERYONE in the end. Maybe one day, but for now we opted for conception again also to try to give our bio son the bio con

nection we are blessed to see our daughter enjoy with her (maternal) brother, and are pregnant via IVF once more. In some ways, it's just "cool" to be able to see yourself (physically and emotionally) in another human being, and we know this because of our daughter and HER bio family....and for that aspect along with others (possible medical consequences of not having bio sibling, the added bio family, etc) we did decide on pregnancy again, so our son can also have a bio connection. My hope is that our children can ALL enjoy both the adopted sibling connection and the bio sibling connection, because both are unique and fabulous! It's ridiculous to me to hear people say they "forget" a child is adopted. Who wants to forget? My child is adopted, and I love that about her, and I hope she loves that about herself. Just like I hope that my son loves the uniqueness of being an IVF baby.

I love, love, LOVE the contact we have with our daughter's maternal family and her other mother's son. Seeing the two of them together has got to be one of THE most rewarding aspects of parenting. Honestly, I enjoy it SO much. I love seeing the similarities between them (and her other bio family members) and how close their voices sound. I like to watch them play together and realize how alike their personal

ities are (sassy little daredevils, they are!). I love how fond they are of each other, how they always make sure to hug each other before the visit ends, and how they work out their relationship (even as young as they are) in their own ways. It's been a surprise to me, in a good way, to realize that I enjoy finding ways our daughter is connected to her genetics every single bit as much as I enjoy trying to see whose eyes or coloring our son has from our bio family.

I do not love that we do not have much (any? close.) paternal bio family contact. Our daughter has two additional brothers (think grade school) and a sister ( who is a teenager, and oh man, this one kills me, a SISTER!) who we do not see. Actually, the sister does not know that our daughter is her father's child, though by the questions I've been told she asked, she probably figures it. I know where to find everyone, and sister doesn't live with bio dad....and I want so badly to contact her. One day, IF our daughter wants and sister is over 18 (which is not long) it's likely we DO contact her. The thing that has kept m

e from doing so thus far is that I know bio dad (who we barely have contact with now, but barely is not "none," either) would prefer we do not. For now, that's enough for me. I do feel fortunate to be able to keep a bit of a handle on everyone, though.

It's sad for me to see with the brother we have contact with HOW WONDERFUL it can be...and know that she and the other siblings are missing out on that. But I know we are still extremely lucky and blessed. I know that we have much more than many families have. In the end, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do, after all, and right now, bio dad just does not want...and for now...it's his call. Perhaps not forever, but for now it is. And for now, we count our many blessings, because they are certainly many. Our daughter and her fam

ily may have been anyone's daughter, anyone's family...but thank the Good Lord in Heaven....we can call them all our own.

Proof (from Sunday afternoon) that the open adoption thing rocks our socks in this house:

Open Adoption Round Table #17: Sharing

Time again for the Open Adoption Round Table, brought to you by Heather at Production, Not Reproduction.

This OAR's promt is from Susiebook:
Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I've also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I actually considered not writing for this prompt because I honestly have no clue what to say.

As a rule, we are extremely transparent with our child's first family. I mean honestly, how do you feel like there's much to hide when you've had to start out the relationship early on saying "uhm, by the way, turns out I'm pregnant....do you hate me now PLEASE DON'T HATE ME NOW!"?? You know? We share pretty much everything from our end...we've been honest with how I GOT pregnant (IVF) and why we were pursing both (cause we wanted both!) and we see them often enough that they know how we parent and what goes on around here. (Well, at least our girl's MOTHER'S side of the family...as for Dad, I could use a lot more sharing, and am still holding hope on that one!) We support each other as parents and share info back and forth about the kids often. I have a blog that I share day-to-day stuff on, we email, share pics on AIM, text, etc. I would call Rachel a friend...so there isn't much that I don't share with her, even regarding mundane things not so much related to the child we share. For the most part, I think she feels this way, too.

However, as much as she HAS shared, I'm sure there's a lot of things she doesn't share. I know that she hates asking for help, so it wouldn't surprise me if she has withheld some of their hard times, though I know about a lot of them and hope she always feels as if she can talk to me, even just to vent....about any situation, really.

You know, I think that's what I wouldn't want most...to have anyone feel they CAN'T share. I would hate to find out that any member of my daughter's family had any sort of adoption-related burden especially that they couldn't come to us and talk to us about. I want, very much, to be there for them, even if some things can't be changed.

Open Adoption Round Table #16

Imagine your child as an adult describing their open adoption experience. What do you hope they will be able to say about you? How did you view their other parents? In what ways did you support their relationship with them?

The short of it is that I want my daughter to be able to say that I was honest, respectful, and supportive. I want her to be able to say that there were no questions that weren't allowed to be asked, and that if I don't know the answers, I would do my best to find them for her. I want her to see the relationship I have with her first family as just that--family. I want her to know and understand that we love and respect her other mom and dad, and I hope that we're already instilling this in her. I want her to be encouraged and feel allowed to love them, and love them A LOT. I want her to know that all the little things I am doing now--talking about how much they love her, mentioning them day-to-day even when they can't be here with us, including them in the baby book, welcoming them with open arms into our (and her!) lives, keeping pictures of everyone around so she (and everyone else, too) can see that they are clearly our family....those are things I do because I love her and because I love them. I want her to know that I love and support her as a member of our COLLECTIVE family, not as "our" daughter, but truly as OUR daughter.

I want her to know that my opinion of her first mom is very high. Her other mother is amazing and strong. Knowing her has changed my life for the better. I want her to know that we are like any other family....thrown together perhaps because of twists of fate, but in the end, there for each other through good and bad because we love each other.

What IF?

What if we never REALLY try again for another child?

What if for one reason or another....we never really try to have another child again? Sure, we are "trying," but more and more it seems that that's not going to work (again). Perhaps it will work if we do this for the next 10 years until I hit menopause or am old enough that the risks are too great, but maybe NOT...and that it WILL work is probably not a great bet to make. So what if we never do choose treatments again?

Family building choices are never EASY but when those choices are to be Done or to spend $18-20k on a chance and take that money from the kids you already have, it's even harder. The reasons not to try to have another child are many:

1. We have two, a girl and a boy at that, and they are wonderful.

2. They are wonderful, indeed, but also OH MY GOSH time consuming.

3. Infertility treatments suck. And the reality for us it that it's likely IVF if we are going to go for it.

4. All infertility treatments, but especially IVF, are extremely expensive.

5. Right now we don't have the money for IVF....we would need help from someone, and though some have offered, with two kids already it's hard to accept it even temporarily.

6. The facts are the facts: having more kids takes time, money, and attention away from the kids you have.

7. Our kids already have sibling/s so it's not like they're missing out on that experience.

8. We could give our kids a pool (or insert other $18-20k item) instead.

9. Perhaps we are being selfish and should use our money for helping those in need instead of adding to our already rich family.

10. What if the next child has something wrong, something big, and we're tempting fate? Ethan is not without his issues--what if the next child has BIG issues?

11. What if the next pregnancy ends up being dangerous for me? I already have these children to think about, after all.

12. What if the next child changes our family dynamic in a bad way?

13. What if one day Ava thinks we value biology over children themselves because we tried so hard again to get pregnant?

14. Ethan really might be a fluke and we would spend the $6k (assuming we did shared risk IVF treatments that gave most of our money back if we didn't take a baby home), the time, the energy, and the hope on nothing, probably taking us somewhat away from Ava and Ethan.

The list could go on, really.

The reasons TO HAVE a child are fewer, but I tell myself that they are greater...

1. We would have another child! Maybe that would be stressful, but in the end how could that not be worth it?

2. Our children would have another sibling.

3. Ethan would have a close biological link. Now I know, as an adoptive mom, that this is a controversial "positive" but I say this for two reasons. ONE is that I SEE how cool it is for Ava to have a bio sibling she's close with and can "see herself" in, and I'd like that experience for Ethan too. The other is more basic....medically speaking, emotionally speaking, I think it's nice to have someone "like you" genetically....and with no bio cousins (and none coming) there will be no one "like Ethan" when our generation is gone. Is this huge? Probably not. But why NOT give that to him?

4. If something happened to one of our kids, we would still have two. The child left would still have a sibling. Is this a sane worry? Maybe not. But it's not a worry that's impossible, either. I have seen families lose children. I can tell you that when my husband's cousin Josh died while we were still all teenagers, it was nice that his brothers still had each other. People do die, even children. It happens, it's a fact.

5. With three there's more of a chance one of them will stick around, live in this area, maybe work in our business, and have their life here....with us. (What? I'm just being honest!)

I was last pregnant April-December '07, three years ago. In those three years I have seen many people, infertile and fertile, move on and have more kids or stop trying altogether, confident that their family is finished growing. It seems like almost everyone who has kids our children's ages is either DONE or pregnant. And here we sit, unsure. In fact, we had the conversation again last night. When/If might we do IVF again? When/If is a good time? IS there a good time? IS it sane to EVER try again? Do we REALLY want to spend that money when we have two beautiful children? DO we want to risk what anyone risks when they have a pregnancy, add a child, grow their family?

What if we don't ever jump into IVF again? What if we never take that chance? Will we be happy? Sometimes I can see us as a happy, complete family of four because in many ways we are complete with these kids. But what if we never jump and one day a long time down the road, when there are no options anymore, I regret that decision....because of myself or because of the way it affects the kids I already have?

In a lot of ways it's simple....HAVE another child. My heart wants another child, it just does. It's unlikely that another child will be truly ill (but it's possible) and it's unlikely that a pregnancy will harm me (but it's possible) and it's unlikely that adding another child or even two will make our family less happy (but it's possible). So why not find that money somewhere and just JUMP?

Because what IF one or more of those reasons "not to try" come true? What if I AM and CAN CONTINUE to be happy with these kids and never regret THAT choice? What if this is just plain enough? What if this is less stress, more love, and more opportunities for THESE kids who are ALREADY here?

What if this really is perfect for us and we are all max happy THIS way? What if this is enough for us, what if this is all we really need and some day we look back, happy that we are a family of four?

This post is part of Project IF for National Infertility Awareness Week. Want to know more about infertility? Visit Resolve. Or, if you want to know more about NIAW, click here. Want to read the original list of What IF's or find more posts in this project or even add your own? Click away! :)

Open Adoption Round Table #15: Money

It's once more time for the Open Adoption Round Table, hosted by Heather of Production Not Reproduction!

Does money affect your open adoption?

I would say that the answer to this question is no....money doesn't really AFFECT our open adoption. We do help out our daughter's other mother from time to time with gas money (but if we made the trip, we'd be paying gas money and it's nice to have visits here sometimes without burdening them) or other small things....and we have helped out birthdad once with an early and slightly larger Christmas present when his vehicle broke down, but those are things that we would do for really almost anyone. They don't truly affect the relationships.

From what I can gather, money did affect their decision to place, but it wasn't the most important factor by far. Much more important were things like support, time to be able to devote to her since birthdad already had three kids, and the health demands of her older brother.

Money didn't really even affect our decision to adopt. By then we'd already spent a small fortune on infertility treatments that didn't work (really, it was around 70k at that point) and so the adoption fees sounded like a steal----for a BABY! For SURE! Before the kids, we had plenty of money (haha) and our agency's fees were spaced nicely, so it was never a problem. We had a loan for the last big placement fee,but that was all. We were/are blessed, that's for sure.